Its not about the movie called Turning 30. Movies have happy endings. Turning 30 is about my friend Roshni. I hope her life has a happy ending.
Roshni was literally the light...full of life- sunshine, warmth and endless energy. Why was, she still is Roshni(light), she always will be Roshni. But sometimes even the sun gets eclipsed slowly.
Roshni was average looking but a live-wire. She was the life of the team. Organizing team theme parties, decorating the floor on Diwali, cheerfully volunteering for social causes, or mere gossip- she was everywhere. Beneath her cheerful disposition, Roshni was hiding a scar of few years ago. She was all of 25 then. Parents had found a match for her but she was undecided between a college classmate and him. The college friend was not ready to commit anytime soon as he wanted to build his career first. He wasn't keen on marriage at all and even refused point blank to engagement or any commitment. Roshni felt like a fool. She was very depressed and resigned herself to the situation. The boy whom her parents had chosen came to know of her classmate and the matter had an ugly showdown. Roshni requested her company for a posting as she didnt want to stay and face relatives' nasty questions. She wanted to wait a few years.
The society, urban as well as rural men and women; is in the midst of an accelerating change ever since technology and economic liberalization happened. Urban woman today is caught in a bind of nature and newer social norms. So, first, the newer social rules for urban women.
Rule 1- An urban woman has to be at least a graduate and a graduate has to work. Period. It gives you independence and self-pride. It makes you self-reliant and confident. It enhances your marriageability.
Rule 2- Don't marry before 25. Independence, self reliance and a financial base- reasons are similar to Rule 1. Also, one can finish a foreign assignment or higher education (PG) for greater marriageability.
Rule 3- Nature's laws don't change for urban women. Post 30 years of age child-bearing is not as natural as to a young woman in early 20s. Complications often arise.
Rule 4- Nature's laws again. And again they dont change. Women are in the heat, to use the word crudely, in the biologically important child-bearing age of 20-30 and have emotional, sexual and hormonal needs leading to expression as live-ins, pre-marital sex, use of pills, hormonal problems,relationships, emotional highs and lows etc.
Rule 5- Marry a man older than you. Traditional wisdom not without support from social research as well. And for good biological reasons.
Rule 6 - Urban women are exposed to the world and expect their man to be the best. Waiting for the right man, seems worth the risk.
Rule 7 - Commitment by woman is more complete than man's. Even in the age of the pill, she may not stake 9 months and rest of her life to relationship, but, she stakes her social reputation still.
There are few more rules but suffice to say, women pray that fate intervenes, love happens, then marriage and they don't have to navigate a rule-ridden landmine field. Lucky woman is such. For rest, either rules get broken with accompanying anxiety of impact of broken rules. Or, a rare case redefines rules. Or most, suffer because of the rules.
Now while the Venus looks into a mirror and knows the rules above, Mars in the same universe has its own view of Venus. Men look upon 30 yr old urban, single, working women with a certain stereotype:-
Rule 1- If she is unmarried at 30 plus, there has to be a reason and that reason is not favoring the girl. It could be Manglik dasha of girl, not-so-good looks, past affairs (like Roshni's), medical problems, obesity, career-minded. In short, an evolutionary logic, if she was that good she would have been married by now.
Rule 2- She has low marriageability. Rule 1 plus age is even worse. Men continue to have reverse advantage of marrying younger women but women (a) delay marriage to 25 plus and then (b) suddenly turn 30 plus and (c) now have no longer as many eligible men.
Rule 3: She has her sexual and emotional needs in 30s.
Rule 4: Women hit menopause much earlier than infertility for men. That pressure of getting "it" before menopause, makes female mind vulnerable to even half-chances and thereby wrong men. 30 plus women are amenable to taking as also accepting more risks. Read "Science of Cougar sex".
Rule 5 : 30+ woman is good for recreation, not for procreation.
Rule 6 : Chances are high that the 30+ woman has had emotional and/or sexual attachment in the past. She is unlikely to be loyal.
We know there are modern tools like pills, IVF for late pregnancies, other medical interventions and abortion and liberal urban attitudes that dilute or accentuate some rules, but our human mind thinks as per nature's laws it has been subjected to as part of evolution. Also, there are exceptions to all rules, but we start with default impressions and assumptions. It takes a genuine reason and effort to change that.
Men would love any no-commitment relationship and 30+ women, with their own pressures of all the rules of Mars and Venus, then gravitate towards relationships without being able to extract male commitment.
Back to Roshni. She was out of the past relationship and scars by the time she was 28 but time flies and she was 30. Suddenly she spotted one white hair while combing one day. She was crest-fallen. Time to get married. The rules were always at the back of her mind but this was the clarion call. Or was it all over.
She was looking for a Mr Right. She wont accept anyone less than what she would have got at 25. In fact on my stupid suggestion once to compromise, and be open to marry a divorcee or widower, she snapped at me and then stopped talking for months. She frequented chat rooms and got many men interested since she was smart, educated, cultured and sophisticated. But, in office or elsewhere, men only wanted sex, not wanting to commit. Roshni wanted commitment. Roshni succumbed to charms of Mohit who promised to marry but she soon realized, trading sex in hope of male commitment ran counter to male thinking. Mohit only exploited her emotions. Men trade love for sex and women trade sex for love- goes the adage.
Her parents would keep sending her profiles regularly, but she finds them unrealistic.They don't understand her lifestyle.
Roshni has her own girlie group. She stays with parents and looks after them. Has an active social life as she is Secretary of Rotaract club chapter locally. She enjoys her freedom and doesn't want to think of life after 50. Roshni has not given up on men completely but has slowly resigned to look for redemption elsewhere. She doesn't want to live frustrated in the absence of men who can commit. So, she has very liberal attitude towards sex. "See, my priority 1 is to marry someone I like. If that doesn't happen because good men don't commit and vice versa, , I won't marry just anyone. Then my next priority would be to at least have sexual life, so what if sans commitment. I don't want to suffer both socially and sexually. I can avoid latter." Roshni confided. She doesn't realize that her chances of her priority 1 reduce since she compromised. But then a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. As the world has come to know of her liberal attitude, her own giving in to id, has hurt her ego and super ego.
Irony is, it all plays into the hands of men. Sometimes I wonder, if independence has really helped women or rather in a rationally altered behavioral dynamics, harmed them. In game theory terms it is a 'chicken' situation with men dominating over women. It could have been 'the battle of sexes'- as equals.
She has broken down often, feeling very low with thoughts of worthlessness and no cause or person to live for. To her credit though, she doesn't let it keep her spirits down for long. At least, apparently so.
Solutions to the social problem? Solutions are not simple. Nor is Roshni's life. Society has failed them. Only solutions - Compromise. or, No compromise. Both strategies work. Follow the rules...or just break them.
Rules are meant to be broken. And many survive broken rules. Doing that, by 30+ single woman, requires one or more of - a deep set of values, family and social support, temperament, use of technologies and medical advancements, at times money power and may be sheer luck to sail through just an ordinary life with its simple pleasures. Even cheating, by faking a younger age (hence the eternal trend of fitness and beauty) to net a mate works often and is borne by evolutionary evidence. Lesser mortals not so privileged to have it all, though, would do well to then, just stick to rules.
Roshni still means, as always, a ray. Of hope.
Next: If only getting married was the end of all problems!! The story of Astha and Manan- a young married couple that slept together, travelled to office together, worked together in office in same team, back together home. Every day. And then....
(All blogs in MarsViewOfVenus are based on real people and incidents from my life, suitably anonymized)
Roshni was literally the light...full of life- sunshine, warmth and endless energy. Why was, she still is Roshni(light), she always will be Roshni. But sometimes even the sun gets eclipsed slowly.
Roshni was average looking but a live-wire. She was the life of the team. Organizing team theme parties, decorating the floor on Diwali, cheerfully volunteering for social causes, or mere gossip- she was everywhere. Beneath her cheerful disposition, Roshni was hiding a scar of few years ago. She was all of 25 then. Parents had found a match for her but she was undecided between a college classmate and him. The college friend was not ready to commit anytime soon as he wanted to build his career first. He wasn't keen on marriage at all and even refused point blank to engagement or any commitment. Roshni felt like a fool. She was very depressed and resigned herself to the situation. The boy whom her parents had chosen came to know of her classmate and the matter had an ugly showdown. Roshni requested her company for a posting as she didnt want to stay and face relatives' nasty questions. She wanted to wait a few years.
The society, urban as well as rural men and women; is in the midst of an accelerating change ever since technology and economic liberalization happened. Urban woman today is caught in a bind of nature and newer social norms. So, first, the newer social rules for urban women.
Rule 1- An urban woman has to be at least a graduate and a graduate has to work. Period. It gives you independence and self-pride. It makes you self-reliant and confident. It enhances your marriageability.
Rule 2- Don't marry before 25. Independence, self reliance and a financial base- reasons are similar to Rule 1. Also, one can finish a foreign assignment or higher education (PG) for greater marriageability.
Rule 3- Nature's laws don't change for urban women. Post 30 years of age child-bearing is not as natural as to a young woman in early 20s. Complications often arise.
Rule 4- Nature's laws again. And again they dont change. Women are in the heat, to use the word crudely, in the biologically important child-bearing age of 20-30 and have emotional, sexual and hormonal needs leading to expression as live-ins, pre-marital sex, use of pills, hormonal problems,relationships, emotional highs and lows etc.
Rule 5- Marry a man older than you. Traditional wisdom not without support from social research as well. And for good biological reasons.
Rule 6 - Urban women are exposed to the world and expect their man to be the best. Waiting for the right man, seems worth the risk.
Rule 7 - Commitment by woman is more complete than man's. Even in the age of the pill, she may not stake 9 months and rest of her life to relationship, but, she stakes her social reputation still.
There are few more rules but suffice to say, women pray that fate intervenes, love happens, then marriage and they don't have to navigate a rule-ridden landmine field. Lucky woman is such. For rest, either rules get broken with accompanying anxiety of impact of broken rules. Or, a rare case redefines rules. Or most, suffer because of the rules.
Now while the Venus looks into a mirror and knows the rules above, Mars in the same universe has its own view of Venus. Men look upon 30 yr old urban, single, working women with a certain stereotype:-
Rule 1- If she is unmarried at 30 plus, there has to be a reason and that reason is not favoring the girl. It could be Manglik dasha of girl, not-so-good looks, past affairs (like Roshni's), medical problems, obesity, career-minded. In short, an evolutionary logic, if she was that good she would have been married by now.
Rule 2- She has low marriageability. Rule 1 plus age is even worse. Men continue to have reverse advantage of marrying younger women but women (a) delay marriage to 25 plus and then (b) suddenly turn 30 plus and (c) now have no longer as many eligible men.
Rule 3: She has her sexual and emotional needs in 30s.
Rule 4: Women hit menopause much earlier than infertility for men. That pressure of getting "it" before menopause, makes female mind vulnerable to even half-chances and thereby wrong men. 30 plus women are amenable to taking as also accepting more risks. Read "Science of Cougar sex".
Rule 5 : 30+ woman is good for recreation, not for procreation.
Rule 6 : Chances are high that the 30+ woman has had emotional and/or sexual attachment in the past. She is unlikely to be loyal.
We know there are modern tools like pills, IVF for late pregnancies, other medical interventions and abortion and liberal urban attitudes that dilute or accentuate some rules, but our human mind thinks as per nature's laws it has been subjected to as part of evolution. Also, there are exceptions to all rules, but we start with default impressions and assumptions. It takes a genuine reason and effort to change that.
Men would love any no-commitment relationship and 30+ women, with their own pressures of all the rules of Mars and Venus, then gravitate towards relationships without being able to extract male commitment.
Back to Roshni. She was out of the past relationship and scars by the time she was 28 but time flies and she was 30. Suddenly she spotted one white hair while combing one day. She was crest-fallen. Time to get married. The rules were always at the back of her mind but this was the clarion call. Or was it all over.
She was looking for a Mr Right. She wont accept anyone less than what she would have got at 25. In fact on my stupid suggestion once to compromise, and be open to marry a divorcee or widower, she snapped at me and then stopped talking for months. She frequented chat rooms and got many men interested since she was smart, educated, cultured and sophisticated. But, in office or elsewhere, men only wanted sex, not wanting to commit. Roshni wanted commitment. Roshni succumbed to charms of Mohit who promised to marry but she soon realized, trading sex in hope of male commitment ran counter to male thinking. Mohit only exploited her emotions. Men trade love for sex and women trade sex for love- goes the adage.
Her parents would keep sending her profiles regularly, but she finds them unrealistic.They don't understand her lifestyle.
Roshni has her own girlie group. She stays with parents and looks after them. Has an active social life as she is Secretary of Rotaract club chapter locally. She enjoys her freedom and doesn't want to think of life after 50. Roshni has not given up on men completely but has slowly resigned to look for redemption elsewhere. She doesn't want to live frustrated in the absence of men who can commit. So, she has very liberal attitude towards sex. "See, my priority 1 is to marry someone I like. If that doesn't happen because good men don't commit and vice versa, , I won't marry just anyone. Then my next priority would be to at least have sexual life, so what if sans commitment. I don't want to suffer both socially and sexually. I can avoid latter." Roshni confided. She doesn't realize that her chances of her priority 1 reduce since she compromised. But then a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. As the world has come to know of her liberal attitude, her own giving in to id, has hurt her ego and super ego.
Irony is, it all plays into the hands of men. Sometimes I wonder, if independence has really helped women or rather in a rationally altered behavioral dynamics, harmed them. In game theory terms it is a 'chicken' situation with men dominating over women. It could have been 'the battle of sexes'- as equals.
She has broken down often, feeling very low with thoughts of worthlessness and no cause or person to live for. To her credit though, she doesn't let it keep her spirits down for long. At least, apparently so.
Solutions to the social problem? Solutions are not simple. Nor is Roshni's life. Society has failed them. Only solutions - Compromise. or, No compromise. Both strategies work. Follow the rules...or just break them.
Rules are meant to be broken. And many survive broken rules. Doing that, by 30+ single woman, requires one or more of - a deep set of values, family and social support, temperament, use of technologies and medical advancements, at times money power and may be sheer luck to sail through just an ordinary life with its simple pleasures. Even cheating, by faking a younger age (hence the eternal trend of fitness and beauty) to net a mate works often and is borne by evolutionary evidence. Lesser mortals not so privileged to have it all, though, would do well to then, just stick to rules.
Roshni still means, as always, a ray. Of hope.
Next: If only getting married was the end of all problems!! The story of Astha and Manan- a young married couple that slept together, travelled to office together, worked together in office in same team, back together home. Every day. And then....
(All blogs in MarsViewOfVenus are based on real people and incidents from my life, suitably anonymized)
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