People like us...Lives unlike ours(Part-1)

The mirror
One could easily mistake me to be mimicking her actions. Or it could be vice versa. As if there was an imaginary mirror that reflected an image of mine down to each gesticulation and ambulation.

While on a business tour to Mumbai, I was in the lobby of the hotel I was to check-in and there was this lady in another corner of the lobby, both of us animatedly trying to reason with someone at respective ends of our mobile phones. I was not sure what her reasons were but I was very irritated with and howling at my admin staff who had not booked a room correctly for me.

I hung up after I found I can't do better than wait till noon to check in. It was just 10 yet. As if on cue, she had hung up same time too. We made eye contact and despite her rather haughty and snobbish demeanour we managed to exchange a smile.

Icebreaker Smoke
I proceeded to sit on the only sofa-set in the lobby as she too came and sat across me.
"What happened? Resolved?" I tried to empathize.
"F@#$%^ won't change at all." She used expletives straight from Delhi Belly script.
"What happened? Anything I can help with?" I tried to be courteous.
"No, thanks. All of you men are alike. And even these kids are such a pain you see." She said leaving me with no option for relief even if I consider myself as a kid at heart.
Even as I was offended by her former statement, I was more taken aback by her comment on kids. "But why kids?" I asked her.
Possibly she snubbed me but I thought she enquired of me, "Who are you?"
Even as I tried to be brief in my description of my corporate role and the hotel room problem, she interrupted me. "Care for a smoke?"
"No, thanks. I don't smoke. But you go ahead if you wish."

We walked across the lobby to outside parking area to let her smoke, as I tried to recall all the harmful effects of passive smoking. She was a chain smoker and smoked like a pro. In fact it proved to be the longest smoke break of my life and I did my quota of a year's passive smoking...hopefully more than a year's. I knew now why her voice had such heavy baritone.


Sheetal-Shocked.
"I am Sheetal. I work for a PR (Public Relations) company." As her smoke-rings drifted like soaring kites, I wondered to put together her caricature sketch in my mind. But she caught me gazing at her face.
"By the way, you must be thinking that now that you have me talking with you, you can sleep with me..huh?"
I was rather shocked already and this made me feel I was in wrong place and something ominous may happen.
"I think we dont know each other so its better we just go our ways." I made my intent obvious.
"Don't pretend. You liar. Men think only that"
The sheer audacity had me benumbed. Not that I wished to join issue with her anyway. Smartly dressed in jeans with a loose top, she proved me right. She was as conceited in her talk as she looked. I started to walk back. She stubbed out her smoking stick and followed me hurriedly.
"Look, I had a terrible night and then this kid early morning had me fuming. And now here I am stuck waiting for this f@#$%^. Huh! what a way to start the week."
"Its ok. Calm down. How old is your kid?"
"She is 4 but why doesn't she behave in front of hers?"
"Can't blame the kids. They are after all just kids.She craves her parents' attention. Since you both work, she must get her share of time when you come home" I rationalized.
As always, my assumptions so easily get questioned.
"Not both. I bring her up alone. My hubby works in Surat."
"That doesn't change your role as mother still."
"Listen, when you dont know, ask. Dont go on sermonizing. She knows she has to sleep in her room, then why doesn't she behave?"
"Kid of 4 and you both alone in a house at night. Why would she sleep alone?" It was not as if I ignored her charge on my making assumptions but only realize it soon.
"Piya has no business to act cranky when my friend comes over." Piya was her daughter's name.
I was still dumb. Sheetal had to be blunt to penetrate my dumbness to reach my head. She spoke and I listened.

Friendly encounters
Sheetal's friend, Adi had come over for a 'good' night with her and her daughter was not allowing both of them the privacy. Poor Piya. Since Samanth, Sheetal's husband, was away in Surat, Sheetal used to spend time with Adi over weekends. Yesterday, on Sunday, her daughter kept crying incessantly and knocking her room-door. Adi was pissed off with her intrusion (to me Adi was intruder in hapless child's life but who cares). I have reason to believe he hit Piya but Sheetal ducked the question. She says, they had to venture out at night, get Benadryl and buy some peace by 2 am.

I asked her why did she bother about a man who doesnt care for her kid. She said he looks after all her needs in absence of Samanth. She told me Samanth was a weak personality and was not even Piya's father. She further told me Samanth knew about Adi after he found Adi in her bed, in one surprise visit from Surat.
"Does Samanth send you money?"
"Yes. But not much."
"Does Adi pay you for the good time?"
Sheetal ignored my sarcasm. "He used to. But now its more like we both like to be with each other and he is the only one in this city who can help me when I need."

Sheetal was mad at her creche staff when we first saw each other an hour and a half back, because they called her in the morning to say, Piya was unable to stay in Creche as she was crying. Sheetal couldnt drop her business meeting and argued with staff to do their best to look after Piya.

Suddenly, a suave gentleman appeared and interjected our rather involved discussion. "Ma'am you can go."
She stood up to leave. "You are nice to know. I am sorry, I was rude to you. I got to go now as my client meeting is due but please call me when you get time. Would love to talk" She gave me her number and left.

I looked at my watch. Still 10 minutes to noon. I lumbered up to the front-desk. I looked at her number unaware of what was to come my way from that number when I was to call her.
(To be continued)

(Based on real incidents and personalities from my life. Names and identities changed to protect privacy. Based on feedback received, I have tried to keep the length of the post short, used subsections for easy breaks in flow for the reader and dropped sermonizing, at least till I can resist the temptation :-). Do let me know your views.)

For My Pati Parameshwar..How much is too much?

Astha and Manan were part of a batch of 100 recruited from their colleges, by my IT company . Leaving their hometowns, Gwalior and Bhopal respectively, they landed up in same training class in Hyderabad. Astha was six months elder to Manan but with same year of graduation, they were peers now. Suddenly away from family, lonely, independent, earning and in their early 20s, both sought support in each other's company and kept getting closer to each other. Typical small town middle class graduate engineers with dreams of joining the millions of new liberalized, global Indians. Both were very shy and withdrawn, but very determined and hardworking. Not very comfortable speaking English but on technical matters, very thorough.  Both were easily the most mild mannered of the lot and may be that the opposites attract, but they seemed similar and yet attracted to each other.

On the personal front, things moved expectedly and soon, initial friendship transformed to love and then when they travelled back together for Diwali and Astha's parents met Manan, marriage quickly became just a matter of time.

They married next year. It was 2005.

Since their marriage, they have stayed together as both have been in the same project. First few years in one project in Hyderabad and in 2008 they moved to US together. I came to know them in 2009 on joining their project.

Being reserved by nature, both go largely unnoticed, except for occasional appreciation for their good work. Things were and seemed normal, till....

During annual performance appraisals, last year, there were some tough decisions to be made. Due to bell-curve for performance ratings and pyramidical hierarchy, vacancies for promotions and over 10% salary hikes were both, possible in very few cases. Being of same seniority, both had similar expectations and career profile- so comparisons were obvious. Better halves were competing halves.

Manan, easily the technically more brilliant of the two, was worthy but when all round feedback was sought, Astha stood out for her greater communication skills in addition to a an equally good technical knowledge and impressive customer feedback too. If it was to be just one, then Astha had to be that. Ironically, a minimum rating was must for promotion so it was to be just one take-all. Astha got promotion, and a high rating as also a higher salary compared to Manan.

I had not bargained for the shattering effect this rather positive appreciation of her performance would result in. Spousal rivalry, is understandable now, but the extent had escaped me then. Manan went into denial, had ugly showdown, became withdrawn and within a month, resigned.

Astha possibly had serious fight with Manan over Manan pressurizing her to resign too in solidarity over his perceived injustice. Manan moved alone to San Francisco as Astha continued in Los Angeles in my team. They would visit each other every fortnight but the chemistry seemed faded to me, on both occasions when I met them. Astha soon confirmed that they both were losing financially too due to running two establishments and travel costs. They were both now near 30 and childless despite 7 years of marriage.

I felt that project’s selfish interests were breaking up a family unit and advised her to resign and join her husband. It was good 9 months before she could finally do that as she searched for the right job. But on getting the job offer, her problems seemed to have only increased.

“Sir, the problem is in the offer that I have got, my salary is almost $20,000 more than what Manan gets from his company. That is almost 30% more. And he would not say it but I know it would lead to awkward undercurrent always.”

“But you said you have financial problems. Being DINKs (Double Income with No Kids), for last 7 years and still not even having a bank balance, leave alone a house- all despite dollar salaries!!! And when you get Goddess Lakshmi to walk in through the door, you say you are not interested!” I was flabbergasted.

“Its after a long time that things seem to be moving in right direction between both of us. I will move back with him. We need to plan our family. But, I cannot rock the boat yet again. That would be disastrous. There should be harmony.” Astha knew her priorities.

“So? You won’t join this new job?”

“I don’t know.” Astha was confused.

Reading between her lines, my personal take was that sex being such a strange animal, the reason she may not be conceiving could be that their inter-spouse professional rivalry sneaked in through the bedroom door.

After some brainstorming and lot of convincing, we worked out a solution. Astha would seek her new employer to restructure the compensation plan to show lesser take-home pay than the figure for Manan. But, she would get enhanced perks, and net cost to company would remain the same. So, she would get an allowance to travel to India free with family at company expense, get a year-end bonus through stock options and get additional paid leaves (anticipating pregnancy she wanted reduced work hours). Manan was not to be told any of it and would be told about the package without the perks, and get to know the monthly take-home salary. That part took convincing for Astha to agree. She could get her employer to agree with some alibi of a reason. Astha reckoned that post-pregnancy she may get away from comparisons with Manan and possibly not join job in a while.

Astha just left for San Francisco, this week. I have moved out of formal association with her on the project. She wrote me a mail on her moving out saying she is determined to focus on her personal life. She says Manan seemed happy at the latest turn of events. Of course she went with the plan of not sharing the restructuring part of her pay offer.

When I called her last, she seemed bubbly in her spirits. She said she would let me know of the good news soon.

For My Pati Parmeshwar...how much is too much? Astha doesn’t ask. It’s a tribute to womanhood, for the unsung sacrifices they make, to make the world around them, a nice place.

(Names are changed in this post to protect identity)

Next: From childlessness to child abuse- an unusual story of Sheetal. But I need to figure out first if I can post a story for 18+ yr olds only. Else, it may be another story next week. Keep your feedback flowing and share thoughts and experiences around you.

Turning 30

Its not about the movie called Turning 30. Movies have happy endings. Turning 30 is about my friend Roshni. I hope her life has a happy ending.

Roshni was literally the light...full of life- sunshine, warmth and endless energy. Why was, she still is Roshni(light), she always will be Roshni. But sometimes even the sun gets eclipsed slowly.

Roshni was average looking but a live-wire. She was the life of the team. Organizing team theme parties, decorating the floor on Diwali, cheerfully volunteering for social causes, or mere gossip- she was everywhere. Beneath her cheerful disposition, Roshni was hiding a scar of few years ago. She was all of 25 then. Parents had found a match for her but she was undecided between a college classmate and him. The college friend was not ready to commit anytime soon as he wanted to build his career first. He wasn't keen on marriage at all and even refused point blank to engagement or any commitment. Roshni felt like a fool. She was very depressed and resigned herself to the situation. The boy whom her parents had chosen came to know of her classmate and the matter had an ugly showdown. Roshni requested her company for a posting as she didnt want to stay and face relatives' nasty questions. She wanted to wait a few years.

The society, urban as well as rural men and women; is in the midst of an accelerating change ever since technology and economic liberalization happened. Urban woman today is caught in a bind of nature and newer social norms. So, first, the newer social rules for urban women.
Rule 1- An urban woman has to be at least a graduate and a graduate has to work. Period. It gives you independence and self-pride. It makes you self-reliant and confident. It enhances your marriageability.
Rule 2- Don't marry before 25. Independence, self reliance and a financial base- reasons are similar to Rule 1. Also, one can finish a foreign assignment or higher education (PG) for greater marriageability.
Rule 3- Nature's laws don't change for urban women. Post 30 years of age child-bearing is not as natural as to a young woman in early 20s. Complications often arise.
Rule 4- Nature's laws again. And again they dont change. Women are in the heat, to use the word crudely, in the biologically important child-bearing age of 20-30 and have emotional, sexual and hormonal needs leading to expression as live-ins, pre-marital sex, use of pills, hormonal problems,relationships, emotional highs and lows etc.
Rule 5- Marry a man older than you. Traditional wisdom not without support from social research as well. And for good biological reasons.
Rule 6 - Urban women are exposed to the world and expect their man to be the best. Waiting for the right man, seems worth the risk.
Rule 7 - Commitment by woman is more complete than man's. Even in the age of the pill, she may not stake 9 months and rest of her life to relationship, but, she stakes her social reputation still.

There are few more rules but suffice to say, women pray that fate intervenes, love happens, then marriage and they don't have to navigate a rule-ridden landmine field. Lucky woman is such. For rest, either rules get broken with accompanying anxiety of impact of broken rules. Or, a rare case redefines rules. Or most, suffer because of the rules.

Now while the Venus looks into a mirror and knows the rules above, Mars in the same universe has its own view of Venus. Men look upon 30 yr old urban, single, working women with a certain stereotype:-

Rule 1- If she is unmarried at 30 plus, there has to be a reason and that reason is not favoring the girl. It could be Manglik dasha of girl, not-so-good looks, past affairs (like Roshni's), medical problems, obesity, career-minded. In short, an evolutionary logic, if she was that good she would have been married by now.
Rule 2- She has low marriageability. Rule 1 plus age is even worse. Men continue to have reverse advantage of marrying younger women but women (a) delay marriage to 25 plus and then (b) suddenly turn 30 plus and (c) now have no longer as many eligible men.
Rule 3: She has her sexual and emotional needs in 30s.
Rule 4: Women hit menopause much earlier than infertility for men. That pressure of getting "it" before menopause, makes female mind vulnerable to even half-chances and thereby wrong men. 30 plus women are amenable to taking as also accepting more risks. Read "Science of Cougar sex".
Rule 5 : 30+ woman is good for recreation, not for procreation.
Rule 6 : Chances are high that the 30+ woman has had emotional and/or sexual attachment in the past. She is unlikely to be loyal.

We know there are modern tools like pills, IVF for late pregnancies, other medical interventions and abortion and liberal urban attitudes that dilute or accentuate some rules, but our human mind thinks as per nature's laws it has been subjected to as part of evolution. Also, there are exceptions to all rules, but we start with default impressions and assumptions. It takes a genuine reason and effort to change that.


Men would love any no-commitment relationship and 30+ women, with their own pressures of all the rules of Mars and Venus, then gravitate towards relationships without being able to extract male commitment.

Back to Roshni. She was out of the past relationship and scars by the time she was 28 but time flies and she was 30. Suddenly she spotted one white hair while combing one day. She was crest-fallen. Time to get married. The rules were always at the back of her mind but this was the clarion call. Or was it all over.

She was looking for a Mr Right. She wont accept anyone less than what she would have got at 25. In fact on my stupid suggestion once to compromise, and be open to marry a divorcee or widower, she snapped at me and then stopped talking for months. She frequented chat rooms and got many men interested since she was smart, educated, cultured and sophisticated. But, in office or elsewhere, men only wanted sex, not wanting to commit. Roshni wanted commitment. Roshni succumbed to charms of Mohit who promised to marry but she soon realized, trading sex in hope of male commitment ran counter to male thinking. Mohit only exploited her emotions. Men trade love for sex and women trade sex for love- goes the adage.

Her parents would keep sending her profiles regularly, but she finds them unrealistic.They don't understand her lifestyle.

Roshni has her own girlie group. She stays with parents and looks after them. Has an active social life as she is Secretary of Rotaract club chapter locally. She enjoys her freedom and doesn't want to think of life after 50. Roshni has not given up on men completely but has slowly resigned to look for redemption elsewhere. She doesn't want to live frustrated in the absence of men who can commit. So, she has very liberal attitude towards sex. "See, my priority 1 is to marry someone I like. If that doesn't happen because good men don't commit and vice versa, , I won't marry just anyone. Then my next priority would be to at least have sexual life, so what if sans commitment. I don't want to suffer both socially and sexually. I can avoid latter." Roshni confided. She doesn't realize that her chances of her priority 1 reduce since she compromised. But then a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. As the world has come to know of her liberal attitude, her own giving in to id, has hurt her ego and super ego.

Irony is, it all plays into the hands of men. Sometimes I wonder, if independence has really helped women or rather in a rationally altered behavioral dynamics, harmed them. In game theory terms it is a 'chicken' situation with men dominating over women. It could have been 'the battle of sexes'- as equals.

She has broken down often, feeling very low with thoughts of worthlessness and no cause or person to live for. To her credit though, she doesn't let it keep her spirits down for long. At least, apparently so.

Solutions to the social problem? Solutions are not simple. Nor is Roshni's life. Society has failed them. Only solutions - Compromise. or, No compromise. Both strategies work. Follow the rules...or just break them.

Rules are meant to be broken. And many survive broken rules. Doing that, by 30+ single woman, requires one or more of - a deep set of values, family and social support, temperament, use of technologies and medical advancements, at times money power and may be sheer luck to sail through just an ordinary life with its simple pleasures. Even cheating, by faking a younger age (hence the eternal trend of fitness and beauty) to net a mate works often and is borne by evolutionary evidence. Lesser mortals not so privileged to have it all, though, would do well to then, just stick to rules.

Roshni still means, as always, a ray. Of hope.

Next: If only getting married was the end of all problems!! The story of Astha and Manan- a young married couple that slept together, travelled to office together, worked together in office in same team, back together home. Every day. And then....


(All blogs in MarsViewOfVenus are based on real people and incidents from my life, suitably anonymized)