All is fair in love - Part 3/3

From an early marriage and workplace woes to financial mismanagement and now an extra-marital affair, Sonia's life was on fast track but alas, going downhill. Speed and recklessness are exciting; but together, they are fatal. Was she finally getting a freedom she missed ever since she was married? Or, were the suppressed womanly desires of a 25-year old getting an outlet? Lack of dependence when one earns? Was it the training environment without much responsibility that made her footloose? The anonymity of a new city? The charm of Abhilash? The lack of money? Love has always been a chemistry whose ingredients and catalysts have defied a formula.

I called Sonia once after a few days and she did confirm a few of my speculated reasons. Abhilash was a handsome bachelor who did do the things she started missing over time, since marriage. She got the much-desired attention, he did the chivalrous courtesies and the usual wooing rituals. She said they are just good friends and that she just enjoyed his company, nothing more.
"Come on, you wouldn't say "I am in love" when describing  just a good friend"
"Believe me Sir. Its just that we like to have coffee together, we like to talk and have meals together in office. He is getting married next year too. And, I am here just another 2 weeks and then its all over as it is. As for I love you, I say that to my hundred friends on facebook" she chuckled.
"OK. I am not your conscience keeper. So I trust you and I am sure you are in control of your life.It's your life." I shrugged.
"Yes, sir. Let us not talk about it." her tone was rather like the Johnny Johnny saying Yes Papa. But there wasn't to be Hahaha when "open your mouth" was to shortly happen.


I looked up Abhilash's profile on facebook. He seemed a Casanova given his popularity with the better sex. Sonia has a  serious problem judging men, I thought to myself. And that she lives in a shell, cut off from any friends and also detached from her family and roots, thereby she gets no sane advice too as also the same reason starves her of social support in crisis. Or was it that her beauty attracted problems. I was reminded of the freakonomics of dumb blondes where beauty's game theoretic dynamics ensure dumbness. She didn't have close friends and possibly Neeraj never wanted that as well, nor did she try selflessly for one and nor jealous girls came near her. Her beauty made sure she attracted men and her dumbness made sure she attracted wrong ones. She was to prove her susceptibility and self-destructive trait once more later, thrice in a short time I knew her.


I drew Sonia's attention to Abhilash's page on facebook. She surprised me with an alternate view, "Yes. He is very popular but he is not serious about them." I felt like a fool wondering why I forgot my decision to "Stay Away" from a "Royal Mess". I got busy with my life leaving Sonia in her paradise. Fool's paradise.


Sonia mailed me her pictures with Abhilash on a weekend trip from Mumbai to Lonavala. By now I could just pray that she returns back to Neeraj and her earlier life, however unhappy that life was, before any storm strikes.


Sonia got busy with her life on her return. Two months passed. Sonia called.
"Sir, Would you know someone in Airtel?"
"May be I would. Need to find out. What do you need?"
Silence.
"Say"
"Nothing. Sir, Neeraj suspects me."
"I told you. I knew it would happen. What has actually happened? You left Mumbai 2 months back and he is still there. So, nothing serious I hope."
"Sir, I know you would scold me but I met Abhilash last week when he was on an official trip here."
"Then?"
"Neeraj came to know and is now unnecessarily assuming things and blaming me for things I did not do."
"Aha! Hmmm. Look, I think you are a compulsive liar and I don't trust you at all. Please deal with your life. Why me now if you do not listen when I cautioned you."
"Sir. I will commit suicide."
"Shut up and don't blackmail me. For all I care, go and die. Worry about your parents. You die and all attention would be on your case and all your ugly truth would be out."

She was uncontrollably hysterical for a long time on phone. Possibly my logic on her suicide plan made sense to her and she felt for once in her life, escapism wont work. And that she had to face it. Face the worst phase of her life.

Sonia sobbed and sounded like in ruins. She begged for help and it felt pitiable. I said you need to be honest with complete truth to get any help. She possibly felt she had no other option. She must have died a death when she said all she did and hid from the world so far.
Sonia and Abhilash had sex when they went to Lonavala.
Sonia could not have sex with Neeraj ever since then. She just didn't feel up-to it.
She and Abhilash had close to thousand plus text sms exchanged in just the last month. Her reason for getting a useful contact in Airtel was to get her bills forged and changed. I told her that is next to impossible.
Sonia and Abhilash met in a pub in Gurgaon when he came on an official trip and coincidentally Neeraj's best friend found them necking each other on a couch.
Neeraj went on an evidence gathering spree once his friend narrated to him the story and he had a big fight with Sonia. He even flew to Mumbai and possibly got more evidence.
After that fateful night at Lonavala, Sonia could not resist, or refuse, Abhilash's demands. They made sex once again on office terrace when Abhilash was on his official trip. She was having periods and felt used, but Abhilash would not listen.Sonia felt he just knew too much and had pictures of Lonavla trip that could nail her lies. Abhilash had another affair in due course, with another hottie in office, Sonia was to tell me later.

The last three years went along predictable lines. The royal mess became a royal and messy divorce case with domestic violence and dowry cases running in multiple courts. Sonia got her all loans transferred by court to Neeraj and basic compensation awarded to her in a year and Neeraj's parents had to sell off both cars to pay her back. They actually turned out to be fake millionaires themselves surviving on loans and odd jobs.

When Sonia could not forge her telephone bills, she went from defensive to attack mode. She paid exorbitantly to an agent to pull out Neeraj's call details. To her horror, Neeraj had his own little (or rather big) affair on the sly and matched her thousand by thousand on minutes and smses he exchanged with Anushka, his team junior in office. Sonia was furious at the discovery but how the two had drifted to such state, possibly one could seek an answer only if the chicken and egg riddle is solved.

Sonia changed her lawyers thrice as one was a lecher out to exploit her (she fired him after he called to discuss her case in evening only to be found drunk and talking suggestively) and another sold out his conscience to Neeraj's lawyer. Sonia is now greyed at 28, frequently sick and a shadow of her beautiful self. She has clung on to her job as her only hope to survive, though courts awarded her monthly rent as maintenance. She must have spent close to thousand hours running around in courts. It has been multiple counseling sessions to make her understand every past mistake of hers. She hates men now and is too scared to choose another man for herself. I believe her when she admits that at 28, she has had no sex and no drinks in last three years. Many men in her office made passes at her but most were either not worthy of her or were just interested in sex without committing.  She gets anonymous calls often and that scares her to the bone. She is slowly rebuilding her finances but her father's sickness drains her. Over period of time she has picked up her life a bit. She is looking desperately to get a foreign assignment. She has couple of trusted friends she can cal at midnight for help and they would oblige. She is unable to leave her firm and take job elsewhere so far though she is trying as she has strong feeling that Abhilash has shared his 'exploits' with some colleagues. But being past that phase, its not too bad now.

Sonia devotes her time every week to a NGO that provides legal support and advice to suffering women. She is an excellent counselor. It is revealing to see her understanding of financial, legal, marital and social issues now.

And yet, she dumbfounded me last week.
"Sir, i could not control myself from buying that watch for myself."
"How much did it cost you?" I only knew watches tell time though she was dying to tell me the brand.
"15000."
"Fine. May be you can afford it." I was unsure though if she was mistaken with a zero extra in the figure.
"I am feeling guilty now."
"Return it if so."
"After such a long time I bought something."
"But you have your priorities. At least till you settle in life back again and get basic security of home and job."
"I want to re-marry. But there are not enough good men." she lamented. I was amused thinking she wants to marry for being able to shop. She is still the same Sonia. But I was wrong. She did return the watch and became determined to re-marry. She was too frustrated with her past and also dreadfully looked at a post-30 lonely life of many colleagues.
Where are good men for 30 year old girls wanting to marry/re-marry? I had no easy answers even though 'good' meant just 'reasonable' and not a DiCaprio or Hrithik or SRK ....life goes on for Sonia.
Over to my next blog " 30 plus, Single and working" - the cougar phenomenon, the life of Roshni.

(All posts in this blog are based on real-life personalities and events in my life, suitably moderated and anonymized to protect identities.)

All is fair in love - Part 2

I had a convenient alibi of being in another city to not attend the wedding despite Sonia's sincere and repeated requests to attend. Reality was even if I were in the same city, I would not have attended. I had this feeling of hurt and being backstabbed. I thought Sonia owed an explanation. How could she marry a person who brought her ill repute if she was helped without her knowledge? I didnt want to raise wrong questions and be the spoiler at someone's wedding.In fact it later turned out that nobody from the office attended. Sonia and Neeraj had not invited anyone except me. On the other hand it seemed like a scenario right out of bollywood movies and I was to later learn Neeraj did aggressive wooing and after all his crime was that he could go to the extent of self destruction for his love. It was not long when Sonia had the twinkle of love in her eyes. A twinkle of light so strong; it blinded reason.

Sonia was 22 and Neeraj just 6 months elder to her. Like any girl her age she had her dreams of marriage.She was from a middle class family of Karnal but adapted quick to big city life. She was self-made. A rare lady engineer from her town, in sleepy 90s, she had funded her own Engg education through a loan as her father couldn't afford. She was brilliant in studies and her teacher advised her to take loan. She took any training in the company also seriously and was soon a hot professional in all ways possible. She started earning, and earning well at that. Her classmates had all fallen by the wayside so early in life. But she was an achiever, an alpha girl what with her immaculate manners, stunning beauty, a nice job at 21 and no vices. Life was good.

And then, love happened! Next, marriage. Now, she was funding her own marriage too as Neeraj was from an affluent family in upmarket Gurgaon and their status meant a basic minimum social obligations, even though they didnt specifically ask for dowry. At 22 and with stars in her eyes, small town parents who didnt know better than her, little guidance, no social circle, new big city and Neeraj's love to support- I now piece it all together in hindsight - the light that was to cause twinkle in her eyes, soon made her behave like a deer blinded by headlights and just doing her best to avoid a wreck.

Neeraj was in awe of Sonia. Totally smitten. And he had his way with her as well as with his parents. Her parents were always game- small town, too meek, "ladkiwale". If not anyone else. their own daughter seemed to know ways of the modern world more than them. Sonia took a loan of Rs 4 Lakhs for marriage to add to her father's meagre savings. Her edcuational loan had dwindled fast due to her decent job and promotion and she could write off that in another year. And then, now they would be two earning members and she would have the security of a family she could call her own. It made sense to have a memorable wedding.

Engagement, wedding, honeymoon: life was moving in fast lane. Sonia and Neeraj went to Singapore for honeymoon and she was ecstatic with his love and a whole new world, literally and metaphorically.  She flashed her pics on facebook and her status message read, "Bliss.....unlimited". A year and a half passed and sometime during the period they moved out of Neeraj's parents house- like most couples today- to stay independently and closer to their place of work. During my next visit to the city, I and my wife decided to meet the newlywed couple since we couldnt make it to the wedding earlier. They both came to pick us up in a plush Toyota Camry and my wife was sure impressed. When we reached the house it was a very warm reception but my wife started picking up some clues on the couple. On our way back, she said, " They are not pulling along well it seems."

"Why do you say so?"
"I don't know much but from the way her kitchen was, I think so."
"What there?" I always trusted my wife's senses on such matters and was curious.
"See, she doesn't have basics like frig and cabinets.No maid. Not even curtains in rooms. They both earn and yet so. They never spoke of themselves in such manner that made me feel they share a certain chemistry. And the boy. He seems to be suffering from an inferiority complex."
Hmmm.

Few days later I happened to visit both of them again. I called Neeraj and he said let us meet in D'Spirit. But isnt that a pub? He said yeah, the place is near Sonia's office and she recommends it as pretty cool at that.

We met at D'spirit. It wasn't long before Sonia was knocked out; sozzled to the point of embarrassment. I was left bewildered how quickly she had adapted to big city ways.

Sonia called the very next morning to apologize for her behavior. I said I am not offended but worried.
"Is everything okay?", I asked to assure myself.
Silence.
"I mean are you happy with Neeraj."
Silence.
"Hmmmm. Its okay, may be we will talk later."
"Sir, gimme a moment. I will call you back."

It seemed she took little longer and my guess from the tone of her last words was that she was crying after she cut the call. She called as promised.

I was not prepared for a tsunami of emotions, problems and tears that came my way in over an hour long call. The in-laws weren't too happy with the small town status of Sonia's family. " What have you done for us?" was a frequent barb at her. "Of what good is your job if you make me do household work." her Ma-in-law said. In anger she gave her savings to MIL to buy peace. Expectedly, such peace didn't last long. Soon, Sonia went for an abortion at insistence of her MIL, since MIL refused to look after the baby financially or physically. And cautioned Sonia to continue the job lest she defaults on her loans. They had a showdown and Sonia and Neeraj moved out. But that didn't end her problems, only increased. To begin with, there were enhanced financial needs- rent or travel in a big city is not cheap.

Neeraj was the only son of his parents. Ever since they moved out, all Sonia ever did over a weekend was to meet her in laws as she was the one who "separated their son from them". Penance? Her life was just office during weekdays and during weekend she performed the role of long travel to her in laws place and behave like a bahu. In what may be termed as an indirect dowry, she took loan to fund her father in law's car by buying it in Neeraj's name, since Neeraj always wanted to fulfil his dad's dream of owning a Camry. And that meant three concurrent loans on her. In fact creditors came knocking often and she was scared someone would harm her as she hadnt hope in hell to repay them.I did some quick mental math and even assuming her salary was double, and given she was just paying minimum balance rolling over credit every month, she sure was unable to save a penny for another 5 years. She had be lucky to survive the credit trap that long.

I said," But you have a pretty lavish lifestyle and no kids, you both earn, you both can be more like adults you now are. Why drink in a pub for 2500 a night when you dont even have a furnished house. Why show off your Pradas and Gucci? You had them in Saharanpur? What is need for Starbucks- can you not stop coffee altogether? And in your house you lack even a frig and curtains." Sonia gave an unconvincing answer. Her logic was- whether I save or not, I dont get to keep anything. I need to gift my sister in laws and Neeraj's parents expensive foreign gifts. They only dine in upmarket restaurants and they dine only after they wine. And a dutiful son always pays.

She soon learnt to be an escapist. To have her own little stress-buster alcohol and shopping as a substitute for that. Fake lifestyle of four of them continued to escalate rapidly, but she failed to see it is all at her expense. She even continued to be dutiful daughter by buying insurance policies for her father who was nearing retirement. No wonder she exploded on call that day.

They both had 11 credit cards between them. And circular payments to pay off loans amongst the cards. The house of cards was just a gentle wind blow away from crash.

Her financial problems alone were not what bothered her. Neeraj had no social circle. they had no other  couple as friends despite close to 18 months of marriage. No neighbours known as both worked different shifts. Only social event was to meet with his sisters and their families. Sonia's family was never invited or involved anywhere. Poor them, and poor Sonia.

Sonia had resigned from her job recently due to a nasty senior who bullied her and on her complaint to HR, whole situation was messed up. And in a mess, woman always suffers. For three months she was without job and cutting corners on everything possible. "And still you spent Rs 2500 in a pub? You are heading to disaster." I felt guilty of accepting Neeraj's  invitation.

From where I was I could see it all so transparently, and it was rather all so dark to see. But early twenties is not an age to know how the credit card sharks function. Anyway, it wasnt even that a sudden cache of money would solve her problems. It required an open discussion with Neeraj.
"Can I meet him? "
"Not for two weeks. He is in US as his sister wanted him for some emergency. "
"What? so, who pays for his trip?"
" He took another loan?"
"Crazy!!!!" I said! Why am i getting into these losers' lives? They are doomed.
Sonia gave one last piece of news. She was joining a new company and would be going for training for two months to their Mumbai HO. She felt relieved, was not too difficult to guess. She seemed to be an escapist. Let me also be one. I retreated to normal life telling her the importance to meet Neeraj and asking her to limit her expenses.


"Sir, want to tell you something." Sonia pinged me on chat.
"What?"
"Sir don't know how to say."
OK. Dont say.
Silence.
"Sir." Silence follows. "Can I call you?"
"OK"
"Sir, i am in love..."
"Hello!!! Did i hear right ..what was that?"
"Sir, he is Abhilash. My senior colleague here."
"You are playing with fire."
"I know but..."
"OK. Listen, if you wish to listen to me, then do as I say. Just stop it. Else why call me?"
"Sir, you won't understand. I dont know why I told you but please don't tell Neeraj."
I was disgusted.
Till that moment I believed such lives were of  film and TV origins. I had only two words in mind - one, an adjective to qualify the other, a noun.
Royal Mess.
And another set of two words as an advice to myself.
Stay away.

There soon was to be a storm. Or was it a self-wreck!
Part 3 of "All is fair in love and war" is the concluding part. There is however another post planned to distill lessons based on reader inputs on the story, especially this part.
(This blog is based on real-life personalities and events. Suitably anonymized to protect identities)

All is fair in love - Part 1

Sonia and Neeraj were both amongst top performers of my team. As their manager, I felt proud to have someone that competent. I was the manager and all three of us were in same team. Neeraj was a typical geek and would know the systems like he would have designed it himself. He could resolve issues from the client even in his sleep. Sonia was also good, though not to Neeraj's calibre. She was more easily recognized for another reason. She was stunningly beautiful but given the typical male Delhi colleagues stayed away from them. She would dine alone in office cafetaria, girls stayed away from her due to jealousy and she herself stayed away from boys.

One fine day, there was huge buzz around the floor. Money- that we all want- was there...there almost for free. How? Wait, first things first. A deadly virus had struck the computers of our client in USA. And client wanted all issues resolved as fast as possible, even as virus continued to spread creating havoc. Seeing the potential business loss of client, it made sense to pay a bit more to trained employees to do extra bit, and limit the damage and recover business. Quickly enough, the management designed an innovative scheme.

I called the the project team to announce it.
"Ok guys (in a gender neutral way). Daily minimum 50 tickets resolved, with customer satisfaction (C-SAT) score of 4 and above on sacale of 5 and with a turnround time of 30 mins for 90% tickets - Do it and Rs 2000 cash per day, over and above salary . Money to be accumlated and paid at end of month" Now, that was cool. It meant extending beyond 8 hrs daily to may be 10-12 since we solved about 25 tickets per head per day. But potentially 50-60k per month was like doubling the salary!!! Chance of a life.
Neeraj took it up. He started dreamig of a bike.
Sonia took it up. She wanted to buy an iphone.

Day 1- Neeraj clicked his numbers easily. Sonia did 12 hrs, 50 tickets, but missed CSAT.
Day 2 - Neeraj clicked. Sonia 12 hrs, 50 tickets, missed CSAT.
Day 3- same as Day 1 and 2.
Day 4- Neeraj clicked. And..........Sonia clicked too...wooooaaaawww!!!
Day 5 wow wow
Day 6 wow wow wow
...happily ever after. Hmmm..well, almost!

Next week, in weekly report, Quality Monitoring team reported to me that Sonia fudged the C-SAT scores from Day 4-6 and it was not customer who rated the code but the rating was done by an IP address from within the team, on the work-floor itself. And Sonia's iphone crashed before it came. Well...again.....almost.

I summoned Sonia and confronted her with the data. In her early 20s, she behaved like the just-out-of-teens kid she was. Unstoppable in letting her tear ducts to flood and drown the data, she refused to agree. I said its not something difficult to see, why someone would do fudging and who is the beneficiary. "Story is over dear!" and not just her daily bonus, fudging meant loss of job. She continued to be in denial.

Next day, it was my turn to be summoned and being shocked. Deepali, the HR lady called me and demanded in an authoritarian tone as to what business I had to allege against an employee's character without proof. Whattt???? Excuse me! I was raging like anyone in the situation would. "Look- I am not answering this , okay! I should be the one seeking answers from Sonia." HR would have none of it. Sonia had been to HR the previous day and said her integirty was being doubted. I left the HR room with clear thoughts- you want proof- so be it. And if earlier it was any mercy for Sonia, because of her past, now it was none.

I asked the technical team for more details of IP address, time, edit of the CSAT score and next day the report came. It was yet another shock- finger of suspicion pointed to .....no, not Sonia, but Neeraj! Neeraj was the only common logged-in employee at the exact time of edits in CSAT, on all three days.

"I love her" said Neeraj when asked as to the reason for fudging Sonia's CSAT. He didnt lie or try to cover up in any way.
Okay! I said. Your love could mean the company the business ..or it could mean your job. Better be the latter, if it was to be any justice.
I started feeling in the midst of a live Bollywood movie.  Ok buddy- but still, what about Sonia? She would know how her fotune changed and if their was a foreign hand if not overtly colluded with you. It is hard to believe otherwise. And started the story that only became the gossip story of the company for long long time to come.

Sonia adamant. Neeraj resigned to his fate. HR and I discussed and under the circumstances we had no option but to terminate Neeraj despite his cooperative nature and forgive Sonia, despite her intransigence. After Sonia's iphone, Neeraj's car also crashed without being driven.

Neeraj left the Company. Sonia became very reserved and confined to work. She improved her performance, may be hurt by the entire episode. But lost her iphone.

Neeraj lost his heart. And job.
In due course, I also left the job too and all three of us were in different companies. Someone called me after about a year and asked,
" Were you Sonia's manager last year?".
"Yes"
"We are considering her for promotion. And we hear she was involved in an unethical incident of fudging. Your comments?"
"Well, yes there was this episode but it was another guy who fudged her account and based on evidence I would say she was innocent then and we shouldnt hold it against her."
We talked few more minutes and I hung up.
Sonia called me later to thank me.

Time passed. Sonia and I used to exchange occasional mails on occasions of importance. Till one fine day...I received her wedding card. I opened it to read...

"Sonia weds Neeraj"

I read again...words didnt melt away no matter how often I read or how hard I stared at them. And only got cemented when I read full names including surname. My reactions and thoughts are unclear to me even till date....

To be continued......
(Based on real-life events. Names changed to protect identity. Incidents and settings suitably adapted without loss of fidelity of the known human behavior and spirit of the real-life events)

Mars View Of Venus

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. From the way God designed them to the way they are socially conditioned to think and act and to what they become- they are so, to put simplistically, different. A mutual appreciation and understanding would help all, so I believe. The blog is my attempt to combine real life experiences primarily around human behavior and personal life with some problem solving, psycho-social analysis and soul searching to make our lives better.

I happened to read the story and personal diary of Sweety and felt that there are so many small lessons, small steps, small things that the more knowledgable of us can and should share that can add up to make a huge difference to lives of others.. Lessons from tragic story of Sweety - may be sometime later though here it is for the curious mind. http://goo.gl/4qBkI

Caveat- I am an Engineer MBA and no psychologist, no author, no sociologist  (I only have an interest in these areas and so try to pretend ) - the kind  who can solve complex differential equations, sees numbers and logic in everything and who w'ont know despite all attempts to understand what women want. Quite often, I dissect issues with logic, where emotion would make sense. But quite often its also the reverse where people act according to their heart, only to lose rationality that was needed.

Home was the place for personal life, and office for work. But no longer so. Office has so much of relationships, social media has, and home has it too. Despite relationship density and reach expanding techies write more geek blogs than on relationships and I attempt to correct some imbalance. To avoid losing track we need to keep adjusting our sight as Mars view of Venus is changing every moment.

I believe in only reality and the closest I come to appreciate fiction is in my belief that truth is stranger than fiction. Most posts will be around my colleagues/relatives/friends in office, family, neighbourhood, social media (and occasionally media celebrities). I do respect their privacy and the trust they imposed in sharing their inner secrets with me. I may even state judgmental interpretations. That is Mars view- its essential to the story. But what I promise is that I have suitably anonymized the posts while still maintaining the integrity of the story. If the posts are used and shared so as to reach just one person whose life changes for the better by reading it, the purpose of my writing and that of contributors/readers is solved. Lets learn from each other, from our mistakes, from other's mistakes, for a better world. And if it happens to be ur own story...just take my view as an additional viewpoint from a neutral unbiased observer- it would do you good no matter whether you choose to ignore, counter or agree to it .

Comments on the post and contribution of your own experiences is the fuel that keeps this blog alive! Happy life!