Twilight shapes the dawn

Yuppies and the others
Young Urban Progressive Professional Indian Eves..or yuppies is what my posts are all about. But this time I am  taking a break to share a real story of two women I know,  who are anything but yuppies. Urban Indian Eves - yes. Progressive and professional - definitely, but not by your usual definition. Young- Not quite but does age matter? One of them underaged and the other overaged- both from weaker and neglected sections of societies - they deserve space on my blog above yuppies for reasons that will unfold soon below. It lacks sleaze, jealousy, drama, money, sex....mmmm...it lacks even melodrama and humor. But as with my posts, it is about the incredible human spirit. Read it as a food for soul; more for its nutritious value than for any spicy, artificial flavored, fancily named taste bud tickler that leaves a bitter aftertaste and sickness.

Kakijee, she is called by all. I don't know how she came to be called that but she was now- Kakijee, to all. She retired in 1995 as a school teacher. After four decades in same school in Ambala, she looked forward to a peaceful retirement. Back in the days of rare love marriages, Kakijee had one, and lived a charmed married life.Tragedy strikes when you plan the least for it. When her husband died in 1997, she took quite some time to pick pieces of her life back again.

An attempt
Kakijee had a son and daughter, both settled in their own married worlds in urban milieu. Kakijee was banking on staying with her Air Force officer son, who was to return and settle in Ambala after his armed services career. Her daughter-in-law was one smart yuppie and she wriggled her way out of any support 'liabilities' by picking a job in Delhi and insisting that its Delhi or nowhere- definitely not Ambala. Kakijee gave it a try by moving to Delhi but DIL didn't make life any easier for her. A third floor flat with no elevator meant Kakijee was holed up with her knee problem to merely view the world, not be part of it. Back in Ambala, she had a complete world to call her own and participate in. Delhi is unkind to elders. But Kakijee was there for her son and grandchildren. She would brave it all for them.

Unfortunately, her relationship problems kept on compounding. Her son cared but not by offending his wife. DIL possibly on purpose, ensured smart Ekta-Kapoor-serial-inspired-tricks to keep her frustrated. She refused to even let Kakijee enter kitchen when Kakijee offered to help to feel part of the family. When Kakijee's granddaughter left house for hostel, she lost her talk-partner and felt even more lonely. Caged in a pigeon-hole. After a showdown, Kakijee left for Ambala for good. At 65, she was all be herself. A bird who possibly couldnt fly. And in an empty nest.

Home again
Enter Astha in Kakijee's life..

Astha was earlier Lachcho. Lachcho the maid. Lachcho- the daughter of a maid. That was till she met Kakijee. Kakijee told me she felt that change of her name was crucial to give her an identity. "Okay", I said," but how will she get that identity?" I was soon to discover Kakijee was the creator of more than the name- Astha, the name, the identity and the personality.

Astha studied till she was aged 12 and like most in her ilk, dropped out to join burgeoning child labor force. Her mother felt Kakijee's house as safest for her and agreed to her overnight stay, Astha being full time support to Kakijee. Good money was also a motive. Kakijee was diabetic, needed help to move around given her knee problem and more medical ailments. She needed Astha. But she also had to fill her empty years and took upon herself to do what she did best- to teach.

Astha the child labor, the maid and Kakijee the malkin, would together wind up the household work quickly and then the roles changed for second half of the day. Kakijee the teacher and Astha the student took to a new relationship of tutor and the taught. Astha was first girl in her community to go on to do her class 10th. Her govt school was surprised too with her progress. She went on to do her graduation, supported by Kakijee's meagre pension funds. Astha even works part time in a computer job now.  Kakijee on her part felt wanted, important and with a mission. Something to look forward to in life. she even thumbed down her son's invite on his greh-pravesh due to Astha's exams.

A beautiful relation
Over last many years, I have been witness to the trust between both of them over my dozen odd visits. Kakijee's only relative in Ambala who sometimes helps is Ravinder. "Auntyji, car ka aap kya karoge? ?Jab chahiye ho, mujhe bata dena. I am at your service" Saying so, Ravinder took car from Kakijee, only to be there for any medical emergencies. Kakijee seemed to acquiesce to this give and take. Between her own son and Ravinder, whom could she call her own more? Sab ki apni zindagiyan hain, majboorian hain. She seemed to be wanting to reduce the guilt of her son and daughter.

These days Kakijee is worried about getting Astha a groom. There are not enough good men in that strata of society to accept sharp career growth of Astha. Men in her community marry 15 yr olds and "overqualified" Astha must be 20.

"I dont want to keep Astha now." Kakijee said during my last visit.
"Why? all ok?" I asked.
"She should not be doing this household work now with her graduation nearing completion. It is demeaning and not helping her in her marriage plans."
"But....." I paused as we both knew what was said and left unsaid. I didn't have a good ethical reason to stop Kakijee.
"Let go" she was firm. Kakijee must let go to let the flowers bloom on seeds sowed. Even against her own selfish interest.
I wonder what destiny has planned next for her.

Endnote
I wonder, how much we value the blessings of the elderly. Sometimes we leave invaluable love for others to benefit from. For Astha's luck and changed life- she has to thank Kakijee's children.

Abandoned elders. Exploited child labor. But then, the blind and the lame are the best of friends. How to define this relationship between Kakijee and Astha? Call it symbiotic or being practical- but isn't it the most beautiful one? It has given them both a renewed faith in life- trust, human values, self-respect- a meaning and purpose to live. And, i think they both cock a snook at the selfish and conceited society that excluded them,  condemning them to a lesser life.

I always maintain our diseases and ailments are psycho-somatic. Kakijee has many more years in her life because she has chosen to add life to her years. Left in a cage, she would have died- first in spirit and then in body. She doesn't need a son to take her to hospital. She needed a dignity and purpose in life to overcome any need to go to hospital in the first place.

Be positive! Life is beautiful.

Beyond the stars

Early days

Koyal was her given name. If one thought it was for any musical traits of hers, one would be disappointed to hear....well....hear, not me, but her. Koyal was a misnomer of sorts for her. She believed in continuous use of vocal chords and not just melodious use. But you could pardon her that. The company of Bulbul her younger sister, brought out her best- in terms of volume and quantity of talk. Both were better-than-me average singers, but tried to make up for that by practicing ever so much in each other's company. I use 'practice' as an euphemism for talk-talk-talk.

Koyal was razor sharp and excelled at languages. She wanted to be a journalist. I can only guess she would want to be a TV journalist to do what she did best- talk. And not for a life at the desk, writing. But even at that she would have done well since she was an intelligent Delhi girl.

 Catch-up

Koyal and I were neighbours over a decade back. A year elder to me, she used to have a sisterly affection and guide me in studies. Circle of life moves quickly and moved even quicker for both Koyal and me in different ways as we both moved out of Delhi and lost touch. 11 years later, much-feted and also much-maligned Facebook connected me back to my childhood friend. Koyal, the mother of two now from a teenager then, had her usual girl-marriage-MIL-kids story. I was not too amused given her promising zeal just a decade back. She followed a very ordinary path. I was characteristically blunt to ask her that. Need i say I never understand women. She was in tears and tore me down too.

"It is so easy for you to mock at me. Ab bada engineer ban gaya hai naa. You meet after so long and just trash me like I am nobody if just a housewife and mother. How mean!"

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt, but knowing you, just want you to do your best in career and life"

"You should be sorry. Anyway, I don't need any explanations."

Silence.

More silence.

I guess, in the foul mood I got her in, I had no chance in edgeways to offer penance. But I had nothing to lose further either."Coffee?" I offered to break the frozen frame.

"Hmmm"

Whether it was to make me suffer by ticking me off more I was yet to discover.

"Where is Bulbul?" I tried to change the topic.

"She is in Basil, Switzerland. She did her PhD in molecular chemistry and is now a research scientist with a Pharma MNC."

I guess I unintentionally rubbed Koyal's self-worth more with my question, after my regretted earlier comment. But she showed no signs of a sibling rivalry.

"And where do you stay now? I came to know you left Delhi." I was not able to recall the place though I remembered mom telling me about Koyal.

"We are in Bulandshaher. It takes two hours from here."

"Never been there."

"I know."

A decade of life

Over next half an hour, Koyal told me all about her decade of life unknown to me. Koyal was married off at 19, in middle of her second year at college. Her final year she completed through correspondence from some non-descript university and lamented that repetitively, since it was a major climbdown from Delhi University.

"You see, I am a Manglik. The astrologers have a major problem with that when it comes to marriage. When this offer came, I was 18 and the Jyotishi told us, I have stars for marriage only now or at 31 years of age. A Manglik can only marry a Manglik and under certain nakshatras etc."

"Did you like the boy?"

"I was not thinking about that. I don't know what I thought then except that I wanted to study. I even told it to 'him' in our first meeting. I was a fool."

"No, you were not." I tried to empathize.

"He is very kind and I liked the way he assured me on continuing my studies. Mom dad were very confused and worried. They consulted many people and I became very irritable with all of it."

I could imagine a 18 year old being suddenly the center of the talk in the house. How her stars had a problem, how she had the onus to not be a burden on her family by taking a course of her own. What if Jyotishi is right? So what if marriage is 2 years early, don't girls marry early and be happy? Law allows it. and 'woh' chahte hain main shadi ke baad padhai poori karoon. Bulbul also has to marry. Family's izzat. A range of emotions crossed her mind ending up finally in a decision probably everyone wanted to hear.

Star-matters and Stars matter

"Who believes all this shit these days?" I almost blurted out.

"Huh. Everyone. And even you."

"No way. I believe in scientific thinking. I won't even know my star sign" I gave out a Yudhishthari truth, to sound rational. I know my star sign but nothing more.

"It's like this. Everyone, wants a kundli match. Even in an inter-religion or inter-caste or love marriage, kundlis are still to be matched. And everyone feels, ladkiyon ki kya kami hai jo manglik hi bachi hai hamare ladle ke liye"

The poignancy of the statement in Koyal's context made me curb my laughter. Else, inopportune smiles and laughs have often landed me in serious trouble in the past.

I realized, even a rational person will think like that. Even when I buy aloo pyaz, if I have choice I will buy what I like. Even if the defect in the aloo is of my perception and not of aloo, it does not matter- the aloo still gets rejected. And life is no aloo pyaz. so everyone feels like I do. And just walks off from a Manglik marriage.

Luckily I had not thought aloud. Else, for thinking of aloo-pyaz simile I was in for being torn down again.

"All big talk. Nothing happens." she brought me back from my imaginary sabzi mandi.

"Didi, Aap khush to ho naa?"

Koyal smiled, and then laughed. "Yes. I genuinely am."

"Pankaj is very nice. He does not get much time though for me because of his business. And Shaivi and Dhanush don't leave me any moment of sadness." She loved her kids.

Koyal's major regrets were being in Bulandshaher, a town with very closed conservative society and secondly was not completing her studies. She was uprooted at 19 from a place where she belonged.  Friends, lifestyle, college, family, and above all Bulbul- she missed all. And, since then, she was not the Koyal who would cuckoo any more. She became Koyal, the wife of Pankaj. A golden cage, I thought. 

She could have been Bulbul.

A spirit called Life!

I was so wrong. To her credit, she found happiness in what she got.

"Kuchh log hain jooton ko rotey, kuchh logon ke paanv nahi hotey." She summed up all for me. She genuinely seemed to have found happiness. And her intellect was to the fore.

"See, girls don't get married. They are tortured for dowry. So many go through divorces. Childless couples pain nobody can understand. Am I worse than any of these?" She refused to be pitied. Years later I learnt Bulbul's challenges in life and had to agree with what Koyal said at the time.

I smiled. "Didi, I still need to learn a lot from you."

My parting comment possibly made amends for my sorry start. She returned my smile.

I had many unanswered questions in my mind ever since. Why do we as society deliver an unfair world to some purely based on stars? Why do stars like Aishwarya also promote such superstitions by doing special ceremonies to ward off the evil etc? Is there a rational scientific way to break this vicious cycle of shunning Mangliks? If this Manglik business is so correct, why do people born under same Mangal-doshas in other religions don't suffer fateful outcomes? What if a Manglik lies about birth and creates a fake kundli to live a normal life-(I am all for it as a practical solution)? There are astro-prescribed-solutions to "rectify" the dosha(defect) but I question the very psychological degradation of mind caused by terming some strange constellation-mix millions of miles away as birth defect. How can one resist the so-rational mindset of exercising an option, even if over a perceived issue?

When will Koyal and Bulbul talk unlimited again? I am not talking of them needing ever-changing mobile plans :-)

But then, probably they do and the spirit of Koyal has outdone the stars too to find happiness.

(Adapted from events in life of a dear friend. Names changed to protect privacy)