People like us...Lives unlike ours(Part-1)

The mirror
One could easily mistake me to be mimicking her actions. Or it could be vice versa. As if there was an imaginary mirror that reflected an image of mine down to each gesticulation and ambulation.

While on a business tour to Mumbai, I was in the lobby of the hotel I was to check-in and there was this lady in another corner of the lobby, both of us animatedly trying to reason with someone at respective ends of our mobile phones. I was not sure what her reasons were but I was very irritated with and howling at my admin staff who had not booked a room correctly for me.

I hung up after I found I can't do better than wait till noon to check in. It was just 10 yet. As if on cue, she had hung up same time too. We made eye contact and despite her rather haughty and snobbish demeanour we managed to exchange a smile.

Icebreaker Smoke
I proceeded to sit on the only sofa-set in the lobby as she too came and sat across me.
"What happened? Resolved?" I tried to empathize.
"F@#$%^ won't change at all." She used expletives straight from Delhi Belly script.
"What happened? Anything I can help with?" I tried to be courteous.
"No, thanks. All of you men are alike. And even these kids are such a pain you see." She said leaving me with no option for relief even if I consider myself as a kid at heart.
Even as I was offended by her former statement, I was more taken aback by her comment on kids. "But why kids?" I asked her.
Possibly she snubbed me but I thought she enquired of me, "Who are you?"
Even as I tried to be brief in my description of my corporate role and the hotel room problem, she interrupted me. "Care for a smoke?"
"No, thanks. I don't smoke. But you go ahead if you wish."

We walked across the lobby to outside parking area to let her smoke, as I tried to recall all the harmful effects of passive smoking. She was a chain smoker and smoked like a pro. In fact it proved to be the longest smoke break of my life and I did my quota of a year's passive smoking...hopefully more than a year's. I knew now why her voice had such heavy baritone.


Sheetal-Shocked.
"I am Sheetal. I work for a PR (Public Relations) company." As her smoke-rings drifted like soaring kites, I wondered to put together her caricature sketch in my mind. But she caught me gazing at her face.
"By the way, you must be thinking that now that you have me talking with you, you can sleep with me..huh?"
I was rather shocked already and this made me feel I was in wrong place and something ominous may happen.
"I think we dont know each other so its better we just go our ways." I made my intent obvious.
"Don't pretend. You liar. Men think only that"
The sheer audacity had me benumbed. Not that I wished to join issue with her anyway. Smartly dressed in jeans with a loose top, she proved me right. She was as conceited in her talk as she looked. I started to walk back. She stubbed out her smoking stick and followed me hurriedly.
"Look, I had a terrible night and then this kid early morning had me fuming. And now here I am stuck waiting for this f@#$%^. Huh! what a way to start the week."
"Its ok. Calm down. How old is your kid?"
"She is 4 but why doesn't she behave in front of hers?"
"Can't blame the kids. They are after all just kids.She craves her parents' attention. Since you both work, she must get her share of time when you come home" I rationalized.
As always, my assumptions so easily get questioned.
"Not both. I bring her up alone. My hubby works in Surat."
"That doesn't change your role as mother still."
"Listen, when you dont know, ask. Dont go on sermonizing. She knows she has to sleep in her room, then why doesn't she behave?"
"Kid of 4 and you both alone in a house at night. Why would she sleep alone?" It was not as if I ignored her charge on my making assumptions but only realize it soon.
"Piya has no business to act cranky when my friend comes over." Piya was her daughter's name.
I was still dumb. Sheetal had to be blunt to penetrate my dumbness to reach my head. She spoke and I listened.

Friendly encounters
Sheetal's friend, Adi had come over for a 'good' night with her and her daughter was not allowing both of them the privacy. Poor Piya. Since Samanth, Sheetal's husband, was away in Surat, Sheetal used to spend time with Adi over weekends. Yesterday, on Sunday, her daughter kept crying incessantly and knocking her room-door. Adi was pissed off with her intrusion (to me Adi was intruder in hapless child's life but who cares). I have reason to believe he hit Piya but Sheetal ducked the question. She says, they had to venture out at night, get Benadryl and buy some peace by 2 am.

I asked her why did she bother about a man who doesnt care for her kid. She said he looks after all her needs in absence of Samanth. She told me Samanth was a weak personality and was not even Piya's father. She further told me Samanth knew about Adi after he found Adi in her bed, in one surprise visit from Surat.
"Does Samanth send you money?"
"Yes. But not much."
"Does Adi pay you for the good time?"
Sheetal ignored my sarcasm. "He used to. But now its more like we both like to be with each other and he is the only one in this city who can help me when I need."

Sheetal was mad at her creche staff when we first saw each other an hour and a half back, because they called her in the morning to say, Piya was unable to stay in Creche as she was crying. Sheetal couldnt drop her business meeting and argued with staff to do their best to look after Piya.

Suddenly, a suave gentleman appeared and interjected our rather involved discussion. "Ma'am you can go."
She stood up to leave. "You are nice to know. I am sorry, I was rude to you. I got to go now as my client meeting is due but please call me when you get time. Would love to talk" She gave me her number and left.

I looked at my watch. Still 10 minutes to noon. I lumbered up to the front-desk. I looked at her number unaware of what was to come my way from that number when I was to call her.
(To be continued)

(Based on real incidents and personalities from my life. Names and identities changed to protect privacy. Based on feedback received, I have tried to keep the length of the post short, used subsections for easy breaks in flow for the reader and dropped sermonizing, at least till I can resist the temptation :-). Do let me know your views.)

For My Pati Parameshwar..How much is too much?

Astha and Manan were part of a batch of 100 recruited from their colleges, by my IT company . Leaving their hometowns, Gwalior and Bhopal respectively, they landed up in same training class in Hyderabad. Astha was six months elder to Manan but with same year of graduation, they were peers now. Suddenly away from family, lonely, independent, earning and in their early 20s, both sought support in each other's company and kept getting closer to each other. Typical small town middle class graduate engineers with dreams of joining the millions of new liberalized, global Indians. Both were very shy and withdrawn, but very determined and hardworking. Not very comfortable speaking English but on technical matters, very thorough.  Both were easily the most mild mannered of the lot and may be that the opposites attract, but they seemed similar and yet attracted to each other.

On the personal front, things moved expectedly and soon, initial friendship transformed to love and then when they travelled back together for Diwali and Astha's parents met Manan, marriage quickly became just a matter of time.

They married next year. It was 2005.

Since their marriage, they have stayed together as both have been in the same project. First few years in one project in Hyderabad and in 2008 they moved to US together. I came to know them in 2009 on joining their project.

Being reserved by nature, both go largely unnoticed, except for occasional appreciation for their good work. Things were and seemed normal, till....

During annual performance appraisals, last year, there were some tough decisions to be made. Due to bell-curve for performance ratings and pyramidical hierarchy, vacancies for promotions and over 10% salary hikes were both, possible in very few cases. Being of same seniority, both had similar expectations and career profile- so comparisons were obvious. Better halves were competing halves.

Manan, easily the technically more brilliant of the two, was worthy but when all round feedback was sought, Astha stood out for her greater communication skills in addition to a an equally good technical knowledge and impressive customer feedback too. If it was to be just one, then Astha had to be that. Ironically, a minimum rating was must for promotion so it was to be just one take-all. Astha got promotion, and a high rating as also a higher salary compared to Manan.

I had not bargained for the shattering effect this rather positive appreciation of her performance would result in. Spousal rivalry, is understandable now, but the extent had escaped me then. Manan went into denial, had ugly showdown, became withdrawn and within a month, resigned.

Astha possibly had serious fight with Manan over Manan pressurizing her to resign too in solidarity over his perceived injustice. Manan moved alone to San Francisco as Astha continued in Los Angeles in my team. They would visit each other every fortnight but the chemistry seemed faded to me, on both occasions when I met them. Astha soon confirmed that they both were losing financially too due to running two establishments and travel costs. They were both now near 30 and childless despite 7 years of marriage.

I felt that project’s selfish interests were breaking up a family unit and advised her to resign and join her husband. It was good 9 months before she could finally do that as she searched for the right job. But on getting the job offer, her problems seemed to have only increased.

“Sir, the problem is in the offer that I have got, my salary is almost $20,000 more than what Manan gets from his company. That is almost 30% more. And he would not say it but I know it would lead to awkward undercurrent always.”

“But you said you have financial problems. Being DINKs (Double Income with No Kids), for last 7 years and still not even having a bank balance, leave alone a house- all despite dollar salaries!!! And when you get Goddess Lakshmi to walk in through the door, you say you are not interested!” I was flabbergasted.

“Its after a long time that things seem to be moving in right direction between both of us. I will move back with him. We need to plan our family. But, I cannot rock the boat yet again. That would be disastrous. There should be harmony.” Astha knew her priorities.

“So? You won’t join this new job?”

“I don’t know.” Astha was confused.

Reading between her lines, my personal take was that sex being such a strange animal, the reason she may not be conceiving could be that their inter-spouse professional rivalry sneaked in through the bedroom door.

After some brainstorming and lot of convincing, we worked out a solution. Astha would seek her new employer to restructure the compensation plan to show lesser take-home pay than the figure for Manan. But, she would get enhanced perks, and net cost to company would remain the same. So, she would get an allowance to travel to India free with family at company expense, get a year-end bonus through stock options and get additional paid leaves (anticipating pregnancy she wanted reduced work hours). Manan was not to be told any of it and would be told about the package without the perks, and get to know the monthly take-home salary. That part took convincing for Astha to agree. She could get her employer to agree with some alibi of a reason. Astha reckoned that post-pregnancy she may get away from comparisons with Manan and possibly not join job in a while.

Astha just left for San Francisco, this week. I have moved out of formal association with her on the project. She wrote me a mail on her moving out saying she is determined to focus on her personal life. She says Manan seemed happy at the latest turn of events. Of course she went with the plan of not sharing the restructuring part of her pay offer.

When I called her last, she seemed bubbly in her spirits. She said she would let me know of the good news soon.

For My Pati Parmeshwar...how much is too much? Astha doesn’t ask. It’s a tribute to womanhood, for the unsung sacrifices they make, to make the world around them, a nice place.

(Names are changed in this post to protect identity)

Next: From childlessness to child abuse- an unusual story of Sheetal. But I need to figure out first if I can post a story for 18+ yr olds only. Else, it may be another story next week. Keep your feedback flowing and share thoughts and experiences around you.

Turning 30

Its not about the movie called Turning 30. Movies have happy endings. Turning 30 is about my friend Roshni. I hope her life has a happy ending.

Roshni was literally the light...full of life- sunshine, warmth and endless energy. Why was, she still is Roshni(light), she always will be Roshni. But sometimes even the sun gets eclipsed slowly.

Roshni was average looking but a live-wire. She was the life of the team. Organizing team theme parties, decorating the floor on Diwali, cheerfully volunteering for social causes, or mere gossip- she was everywhere. Beneath her cheerful disposition, Roshni was hiding a scar of few years ago. She was all of 25 then. Parents had found a match for her but she was undecided between a college classmate and him. The college friend was not ready to commit anytime soon as he wanted to build his career first. He wasn't keen on marriage at all and even refused point blank to engagement or any commitment. Roshni felt like a fool. She was very depressed and resigned herself to the situation. The boy whom her parents had chosen came to know of her classmate and the matter had an ugly showdown. Roshni requested her company for a posting as she didnt want to stay and face relatives' nasty questions. She wanted to wait a few years.

The society, urban as well as rural men and women; is in the midst of an accelerating change ever since technology and economic liberalization happened. Urban woman today is caught in a bind of nature and newer social norms. So, first, the newer social rules for urban women.
Rule 1- An urban woman has to be at least a graduate and a graduate has to work. Period. It gives you independence and self-pride. It makes you self-reliant and confident. It enhances your marriageability.
Rule 2- Don't marry before 25. Independence, self reliance and a financial base- reasons are similar to Rule 1. Also, one can finish a foreign assignment or higher education (PG) for greater marriageability.
Rule 3- Nature's laws don't change for urban women. Post 30 years of age child-bearing is not as natural as to a young woman in early 20s. Complications often arise.
Rule 4- Nature's laws again. And again they dont change. Women are in the heat, to use the word crudely, in the biologically important child-bearing age of 20-30 and have emotional, sexual and hormonal needs leading to expression as live-ins, pre-marital sex, use of pills, hormonal problems,relationships, emotional highs and lows etc.
Rule 5- Marry a man older than you. Traditional wisdom not without support from social research as well. And for good biological reasons.
Rule 6 - Urban women are exposed to the world and expect their man to be the best. Waiting for the right man, seems worth the risk.
Rule 7 - Commitment by woman is more complete than man's. Even in the age of the pill, she may not stake 9 months and rest of her life to relationship, but, she stakes her social reputation still.

There are few more rules but suffice to say, women pray that fate intervenes, love happens, then marriage and they don't have to navigate a rule-ridden landmine field. Lucky woman is such. For rest, either rules get broken with accompanying anxiety of impact of broken rules. Or, a rare case redefines rules. Or most, suffer because of the rules.

Now while the Venus looks into a mirror and knows the rules above, Mars in the same universe has its own view of Venus. Men look upon 30 yr old urban, single, working women with a certain stereotype:-

Rule 1- If she is unmarried at 30 plus, there has to be a reason and that reason is not favoring the girl. It could be Manglik dasha of girl, not-so-good looks, past affairs (like Roshni's), medical problems, obesity, career-minded. In short, an evolutionary logic, if she was that good she would have been married by now.
Rule 2- She has low marriageability. Rule 1 plus age is even worse. Men continue to have reverse advantage of marrying younger women but women (a) delay marriage to 25 plus and then (b) suddenly turn 30 plus and (c) now have no longer as many eligible men.
Rule 3: She has her sexual and emotional needs in 30s.
Rule 4: Women hit menopause much earlier than infertility for men. That pressure of getting "it" before menopause, makes female mind vulnerable to even half-chances and thereby wrong men. 30 plus women are amenable to taking as also accepting more risks. Read "Science of Cougar sex".
Rule 5 : 30+ woman is good for recreation, not for procreation.
Rule 6 : Chances are high that the 30+ woman has had emotional and/or sexual attachment in the past. She is unlikely to be loyal.

We know there are modern tools like pills, IVF for late pregnancies, other medical interventions and abortion and liberal urban attitudes that dilute or accentuate some rules, but our human mind thinks as per nature's laws it has been subjected to as part of evolution. Also, there are exceptions to all rules, but we start with default impressions and assumptions. It takes a genuine reason and effort to change that.


Men would love any no-commitment relationship and 30+ women, with their own pressures of all the rules of Mars and Venus, then gravitate towards relationships without being able to extract male commitment.

Back to Roshni. She was out of the past relationship and scars by the time she was 28 but time flies and she was 30. Suddenly she spotted one white hair while combing one day. She was crest-fallen. Time to get married. The rules were always at the back of her mind but this was the clarion call. Or was it all over.

She was looking for a Mr Right. She wont accept anyone less than what she would have got at 25. In fact on my stupid suggestion once to compromise, and be open to marry a divorcee or widower, she snapped at me and then stopped talking for months. She frequented chat rooms and got many men interested since she was smart, educated, cultured and sophisticated. But, in office or elsewhere, men only wanted sex, not wanting to commit. Roshni wanted commitment. Roshni succumbed to charms of Mohit who promised to marry but she soon realized, trading sex in hope of male commitment ran counter to male thinking. Mohit only exploited her emotions. Men trade love for sex and women trade sex for love- goes the adage.

Her parents would keep sending her profiles regularly, but she finds them unrealistic.They don't understand her lifestyle.

Roshni has her own girlie group. She stays with parents and looks after them. Has an active social life as she is Secretary of Rotaract club chapter locally. She enjoys her freedom and doesn't want to think of life after 50. Roshni has not given up on men completely but has slowly resigned to look for redemption elsewhere. She doesn't want to live frustrated in the absence of men who can commit. So, she has very liberal attitude towards sex. "See, my priority 1 is to marry someone I like. If that doesn't happen because good men don't commit and vice versa, , I won't marry just anyone. Then my next priority would be to at least have sexual life, so what if sans commitment. I don't want to suffer both socially and sexually. I can avoid latter." Roshni confided. She doesn't realize that her chances of her priority 1 reduce since she compromised. But then a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. As the world has come to know of her liberal attitude, her own giving in to id, has hurt her ego and super ego.

Irony is, it all plays into the hands of men. Sometimes I wonder, if independence has really helped women or rather in a rationally altered behavioral dynamics, harmed them. In game theory terms it is a 'chicken' situation with men dominating over women. It could have been 'the battle of sexes'- as equals.

She has broken down often, feeling very low with thoughts of worthlessness and no cause or person to live for. To her credit though, she doesn't let it keep her spirits down for long. At least, apparently so.

Solutions to the social problem? Solutions are not simple. Nor is Roshni's life. Society has failed them. Only solutions - Compromise. or, No compromise. Both strategies work. Follow the rules...or just break them.

Rules are meant to be broken. And many survive broken rules. Doing that, by 30+ single woman, requires one or more of - a deep set of values, family and social support, temperament, use of technologies and medical advancements, at times money power and may be sheer luck to sail through just an ordinary life with its simple pleasures. Even cheating, by faking a younger age (hence the eternal trend of fitness and beauty) to net a mate works often and is borne by evolutionary evidence. Lesser mortals not so privileged to have it all, though, would do well to then, just stick to rules.

Roshni still means, as always, a ray. Of hope.

Next: If only getting married was the end of all problems!! The story of Astha and Manan- a young married couple that slept together, travelled to office together, worked together in office in same team, back together home. Every day. And then....


(All blogs in MarsViewOfVenus are based on real people and incidents from my life, suitably anonymized)

All is fair in love - Part 3/3

From an early marriage and workplace woes to financial mismanagement and now an extra-marital affair, Sonia's life was on fast track but alas, going downhill. Speed and recklessness are exciting; but together, they are fatal. Was she finally getting a freedom she missed ever since she was married? Or, were the suppressed womanly desires of a 25-year old getting an outlet? Lack of dependence when one earns? Was it the training environment without much responsibility that made her footloose? The anonymity of a new city? The charm of Abhilash? The lack of money? Love has always been a chemistry whose ingredients and catalysts have defied a formula.

I called Sonia once after a few days and she did confirm a few of my speculated reasons. Abhilash was a handsome bachelor who did do the things she started missing over time, since marriage. She got the much-desired attention, he did the chivalrous courtesies and the usual wooing rituals. She said they are just good friends and that she just enjoyed his company, nothing more.
"Come on, you wouldn't say "I am in love" when describing  just a good friend"
"Believe me Sir. Its just that we like to have coffee together, we like to talk and have meals together in office. He is getting married next year too. And, I am here just another 2 weeks and then its all over as it is. As for I love you, I say that to my hundred friends on facebook" she chuckled.
"OK. I am not your conscience keeper. So I trust you and I am sure you are in control of your life.It's your life." I shrugged.
"Yes, sir. Let us not talk about it." her tone was rather like the Johnny Johnny saying Yes Papa. But there wasn't to be Hahaha when "open your mouth" was to shortly happen.


I looked up Abhilash's profile on facebook. He seemed a Casanova given his popularity with the better sex. Sonia has a  serious problem judging men, I thought to myself. And that she lives in a shell, cut off from any friends and also detached from her family and roots, thereby she gets no sane advice too as also the same reason starves her of social support in crisis. Or was it that her beauty attracted problems. I was reminded of the freakonomics of dumb blondes where beauty's game theoretic dynamics ensure dumbness. She didn't have close friends and possibly Neeraj never wanted that as well, nor did she try selflessly for one and nor jealous girls came near her. Her beauty made sure she attracted men and her dumbness made sure she attracted wrong ones. She was to prove her susceptibility and self-destructive trait once more later, thrice in a short time I knew her.


I drew Sonia's attention to Abhilash's page on facebook. She surprised me with an alternate view, "Yes. He is very popular but he is not serious about them." I felt like a fool wondering why I forgot my decision to "Stay Away" from a "Royal Mess". I got busy with my life leaving Sonia in her paradise. Fool's paradise.


Sonia mailed me her pictures with Abhilash on a weekend trip from Mumbai to Lonavala. By now I could just pray that she returns back to Neeraj and her earlier life, however unhappy that life was, before any storm strikes.


Sonia got busy with her life on her return. Two months passed. Sonia called.
"Sir, Would you know someone in Airtel?"
"May be I would. Need to find out. What do you need?"
Silence.
"Say"
"Nothing. Sir, Neeraj suspects me."
"I told you. I knew it would happen. What has actually happened? You left Mumbai 2 months back and he is still there. So, nothing serious I hope."
"Sir, I know you would scold me but I met Abhilash last week when he was on an official trip here."
"Then?"
"Neeraj came to know and is now unnecessarily assuming things and blaming me for things I did not do."
"Aha! Hmmm. Look, I think you are a compulsive liar and I don't trust you at all. Please deal with your life. Why me now if you do not listen when I cautioned you."
"Sir. I will commit suicide."
"Shut up and don't blackmail me. For all I care, go and die. Worry about your parents. You die and all attention would be on your case and all your ugly truth would be out."

She was uncontrollably hysterical for a long time on phone. Possibly my logic on her suicide plan made sense to her and she felt for once in her life, escapism wont work. And that she had to face it. Face the worst phase of her life.

Sonia sobbed and sounded like in ruins. She begged for help and it felt pitiable. I said you need to be honest with complete truth to get any help. She possibly felt she had no other option. She must have died a death when she said all she did and hid from the world so far.
Sonia and Abhilash had sex when they went to Lonavala.
Sonia could not have sex with Neeraj ever since then. She just didn't feel up-to it.
She and Abhilash had close to thousand plus text sms exchanged in just the last month. Her reason for getting a useful contact in Airtel was to get her bills forged and changed. I told her that is next to impossible.
Sonia and Abhilash met in a pub in Gurgaon when he came on an official trip and coincidentally Neeraj's best friend found them necking each other on a couch.
Neeraj went on an evidence gathering spree once his friend narrated to him the story and he had a big fight with Sonia. He even flew to Mumbai and possibly got more evidence.
After that fateful night at Lonavala, Sonia could not resist, or refuse, Abhilash's demands. They made sex once again on office terrace when Abhilash was on his official trip. She was having periods and felt used, but Abhilash would not listen.Sonia felt he just knew too much and had pictures of Lonavla trip that could nail her lies. Abhilash had another affair in due course, with another hottie in office, Sonia was to tell me later.

The last three years went along predictable lines. The royal mess became a royal and messy divorce case with domestic violence and dowry cases running in multiple courts. Sonia got her all loans transferred by court to Neeraj and basic compensation awarded to her in a year and Neeraj's parents had to sell off both cars to pay her back. They actually turned out to be fake millionaires themselves surviving on loans and odd jobs.

When Sonia could not forge her telephone bills, she went from defensive to attack mode. She paid exorbitantly to an agent to pull out Neeraj's call details. To her horror, Neeraj had his own little (or rather big) affair on the sly and matched her thousand by thousand on minutes and smses he exchanged with Anushka, his team junior in office. Sonia was furious at the discovery but how the two had drifted to such state, possibly one could seek an answer only if the chicken and egg riddle is solved.

Sonia changed her lawyers thrice as one was a lecher out to exploit her (she fired him after he called to discuss her case in evening only to be found drunk and talking suggestively) and another sold out his conscience to Neeraj's lawyer. Sonia is now greyed at 28, frequently sick and a shadow of her beautiful self. She has clung on to her job as her only hope to survive, though courts awarded her monthly rent as maintenance. She must have spent close to thousand hours running around in courts. It has been multiple counseling sessions to make her understand every past mistake of hers. She hates men now and is too scared to choose another man for herself. I believe her when she admits that at 28, she has had no sex and no drinks in last three years. Many men in her office made passes at her but most were either not worthy of her or were just interested in sex without committing.  She gets anonymous calls often and that scares her to the bone. She is slowly rebuilding her finances but her father's sickness drains her. Over period of time she has picked up her life a bit. She is looking desperately to get a foreign assignment. She has couple of trusted friends she can cal at midnight for help and they would oblige. She is unable to leave her firm and take job elsewhere so far though she is trying as she has strong feeling that Abhilash has shared his 'exploits' with some colleagues. But being past that phase, its not too bad now.

Sonia devotes her time every week to a NGO that provides legal support and advice to suffering women. She is an excellent counselor. It is revealing to see her understanding of financial, legal, marital and social issues now.

And yet, she dumbfounded me last week.
"Sir, i could not control myself from buying that watch for myself."
"How much did it cost you?" I only knew watches tell time though she was dying to tell me the brand.
"15000."
"Fine. May be you can afford it." I was unsure though if she was mistaken with a zero extra in the figure.
"I am feeling guilty now."
"Return it if so."
"After such a long time I bought something."
"But you have your priorities. At least till you settle in life back again and get basic security of home and job."
"I want to re-marry. But there are not enough good men." she lamented. I was amused thinking she wants to marry for being able to shop. She is still the same Sonia. But I was wrong. She did return the watch and became determined to re-marry. She was too frustrated with her past and also dreadfully looked at a post-30 lonely life of many colleagues.
Where are good men for 30 year old girls wanting to marry/re-marry? I had no easy answers even though 'good' meant just 'reasonable' and not a DiCaprio or Hrithik or SRK ....life goes on for Sonia.
Over to my next blog " 30 plus, Single and working" - the cougar phenomenon, the life of Roshni.

(All posts in this blog are based on real-life personalities and events in my life, suitably moderated and anonymized to protect identities.)

All is fair in love - Part 2

I had a convenient alibi of being in another city to not attend the wedding despite Sonia's sincere and repeated requests to attend. Reality was even if I were in the same city, I would not have attended. I had this feeling of hurt and being backstabbed. I thought Sonia owed an explanation. How could she marry a person who brought her ill repute if she was helped without her knowledge? I didnt want to raise wrong questions and be the spoiler at someone's wedding.In fact it later turned out that nobody from the office attended. Sonia and Neeraj had not invited anyone except me. On the other hand it seemed like a scenario right out of bollywood movies and I was to later learn Neeraj did aggressive wooing and after all his crime was that he could go to the extent of self destruction for his love. It was not long when Sonia had the twinkle of love in her eyes. A twinkle of light so strong; it blinded reason.

Sonia was 22 and Neeraj just 6 months elder to her. Like any girl her age she had her dreams of marriage.She was from a middle class family of Karnal but adapted quick to big city life. She was self-made. A rare lady engineer from her town, in sleepy 90s, she had funded her own Engg education through a loan as her father couldn't afford. She was brilliant in studies and her teacher advised her to take loan. She took any training in the company also seriously and was soon a hot professional in all ways possible. She started earning, and earning well at that. Her classmates had all fallen by the wayside so early in life. But she was an achiever, an alpha girl what with her immaculate manners, stunning beauty, a nice job at 21 and no vices. Life was good.

And then, love happened! Next, marriage. Now, she was funding her own marriage too as Neeraj was from an affluent family in upmarket Gurgaon and their status meant a basic minimum social obligations, even though they didnt specifically ask for dowry. At 22 and with stars in her eyes, small town parents who didnt know better than her, little guidance, no social circle, new big city and Neeraj's love to support- I now piece it all together in hindsight - the light that was to cause twinkle in her eyes, soon made her behave like a deer blinded by headlights and just doing her best to avoid a wreck.

Neeraj was in awe of Sonia. Totally smitten. And he had his way with her as well as with his parents. Her parents were always game- small town, too meek, "ladkiwale". If not anyone else. their own daughter seemed to know ways of the modern world more than them. Sonia took a loan of Rs 4 Lakhs for marriage to add to her father's meagre savings. Her edcuational loan had dwindled fast due to her decent job and promotion and she could write off that in another year. And then, now they would be two earning members and she would have the security of a family she could call her own. It made sense to have a memorable wedding.

Engagement, wedding, honeymoon: life was moving in fast lane. Sonia and Neeraj went to Singapore for honeymoon and she was ecstatic with his love and a whole new world, literally and metaphorically.  She flashed her pics on facebook and her status message read, "Bliss.....unlimited". A year and a half passed and sometime during the period they moved out of Neeraj's parents house- like most couples today- to stay independently and closer to their place of work. During my next visit to the city, I and my wife decided to meet the newlywed couple since we couldnt make it to the wedding earlier. They both came to pick us up in a plush Toyota Camry and my wife was sure impressed. When we reached the house it was a very warm reception but my wife started picking up some clues on the couple. On our way back, she said, " They are not pulling along well it seems."

"Why do you say so?"
"I don't know much but from the way her kitchen was, I think so."
"What there?" I always trusted my wife's senses on such matters and was curious.
"See, she doesn't have basics like frig and cabinets.No maid. Not even curtains in rooms. They both earn and yet so. They never spoke of themselves in such manner that made me feel they share a certain chemistry. And the boy. He seems to be suffering from an inferiority complex."
Hmmm.

Few days later I happened to visit both of them again. I called Neeraj and he said let us meet in D'Spirit. But isnt that a pub? He said yeah, the place is near Sonia's office and she recommends it as pretty cool at that.

We met at D'spirit. It wasn't long before Sonia was knocked out; sozzled to the point of embarrassment. I was left bewildered how quickly she had adapted to big city ways.

Sonia called the very next morning to apologize for her behavior. I said I am not offended but worried.
"Is everything okay?", I asked to assure myself.
Silence.
"I mean are you happy with Neeraj."
Silence.
"Hmmmm. Its okay, may be we will talk later."
"Sir, gimme a moment. I will call you back."

It seemed she took little longer and my guess from the tone of her last words was that she was crying after she cut the call. She called as promised.

I was not prepared for a tsunami of emotions, problems and tears that came my way in over an hour long call. The in-laws weren't too happy with the small town status of Sonia's family. " What have you done for us?" was a frequent barb at her. "Of what good is your job if you make me do household work." her Ma-in-law said. In anger she gave her savings to MIL to buy peace. Expectedly, such peace didn't last long. Soon, Sonia went for an abortion at insistence of her MIL, since MIL refused to look after the baby financially or physically. And cautioned Sonia to continue the job lest she defaults on her loans. They had a showdown and Sonia and Neeraj moved out. But that didn't end her problems, only increased. To begin with, there were enhanced financial needs- rent or travel in a big city is not cheap.

Neeraj was the only son of his parents. Ever since they moved out, all Sonia ever did over a weekend was to meet her in laws as she was the one who "separated their son from them". Penance? Her life was just office during weekdays and during weekend she performed the role of long travel to her in laws place and behave like a bahu. In what may be termed as an indirect dowry, she took loan to fund her father in law's car by buying it in Neeraj's name, since Neeraj always wanted to fulfil his dad's dream of owning a Camry. And that meant three concurrent loans on her. In fact creditors came knocking often and she was scared someone would harm her as she hadnt hope in hell to repay them.I did some quick mental math and even assuming her salary was double, and given she was just paying minimum balance rolling over credit every month, she sure was unable to save a penny for another 5 years. She had be lucky to survive the credit trap that long.

I said," But you have a pretty lavish lifestyle and no kids, you both earn, you both can be more like adults you now are. Why drink in a pub for 2500 a night when you dont even have a furnished house. Why show off your Pradas and Gucci? You had them in Saharanpur? What is need for Starbucks- can you not stop coffee altogether? And in your house you lack even a frig and curtains." Sonia gave an unconvincing answer. Her logic was- whether I save or not, I dont get to keep anything. I need to gift my sister in laws and Neeraj's parents expensive foreign gifts. They only dine in upmarket restaurants and they dine only after they wine. And a dutiful son always pays.

She soon learnt to be an escapist. To have her own little stress-buster alcohol and shopping as a substitute for that. Fake lifestyle of four of them continued to escalate rapidly, but she failed to see it is all at her expense. She even continued to be dutiful daughter by buying insurance policies for her father who was nearing retirement. No wonder she exploded on call that day.

They both had 11 credit cards between them. And circular payments to pay off loans amongst the cards. The house of cards was just a gentle wind blow away from crash.

Her financial problems alone were not what bothered her. Neeraj had no social circle. they had no other  couple as friends despite close to 18 months of marriage. No neighbours known as both worked different shifts. Only social event was to meet with his sisters and their families. Sonia's family was never invited or involved anywhere. Poor them, and poor Sonia.

Sonia had resigned from her job recently due to a nasty senior who bullied her and on her complaint to HR, whole situation was messed up. And in a mess, woman always suffers. For three months she was without job and cutting corners on everything possible. "And still you spent Rs 2500 in a pub? You are heading to disaster." I felt guilty of accepting Neeraj's  invitation.

From where I was I could see it all so transparently, and it was rather all so dark to see. But early twenties is not an age to know how the credit card sharks function. Anyway, it wasnt even that a sudden cache of money would solve her problems. It required an open discussion with Neeraj.
"Can I meet him? "
"Not for two weeks. He is in US as his sister wanted him for some emergency. "
"What? so, who pays for his trip?"
" He took another loan?"
"Crazy!!!!" I said! Why am i getting into these losers' lives? They are doomed.
Sonia gave one last piece of news. She was joining a new company and would be going for training for two months to their Mumbai HO. She felt relieved, was not too difficult to guess. She seemed to be an escapist. Let me also be one. I retreated to normal life telling her the importance to meet Neeraj and asking her to limit her expenses.


"Sir, want to tell you something." Sonia pinged me on chat.
"What?"
"Sir don't know how to say."
OK. Dont say.
Silence.
"Sir." Silence follows. "Can I call you?"
"OK"
"Sir, i am in love..."
"Hello!!! Did i hear right ..what was that?"
"Sir, he is Abhilash. My senior colleague here."
"You are playing with fire."
"I know but..."
"OK. Listen, if you wish to listen to me, then do as I say. Just stop it. Else why call me?"
"Sir, you won't understand. I dont know why I told you but please don't tell Neeraj."
I was disgusted.
Till that moment I believed such lives were of  film and TV origins. I had only two words in mind - one, an adjective to qualify the other, a noun.
Royal Mess.
And another set of two words as an advice to myself.
Stay away.

There soon was to be a storm. Or was it a self-wreck!
Part 3 of "All is fair in love and war" is the concluding part. There is however another post planned to distill lessons based on reader inputs on the story, especially this part.
(This blog is based on real-life personalities and events. Suitably anonymized to protect identities)

All is fair in love - Part 1

Sonia and Neeraj were both amongst top performers of my team. As their manager, I felt proud to have someone that competent. I was the manager and all three of us were in same team. Neeraj was a typical geek and would know the systems like he would have designed it himself. He could resolve issues from the client even in his sleep. Sonia was also good, though not to Neeraj's calibre. She was more easily recognized for another reason. She was stunningly beautiful but given the typical male Delhi colleagues stayed away from them. She would dine alone in office cafetaria, girls stayed away from her due to jealousy and she herself stayed away from boys.

One fine day, there was huge buzz around the floor. Money- that we all want- was there...there almost for free. How? Wait, first things first. A deadly virus had struck the computers of our client in USA. And client wanted all issues resolved as fast as possible, even as virus continued to spread creating havoc. Seeing the potential business loss of client, it made sense to pay a bit more to trained employees to do extra bit, and limit the damage and recover business. Quickly enough, the management designed an innovative scheme.

I called the the project team to announce it.
"Ok guys (in a gender neutral way). Daily minimum 50 tickets resolved, with customer satisfaction (C-SAT) score of 4 and above on sacale of 5 and with a turnround time of 30 mins for 90% tickets - Do it and Rs 2000 cash per day, over and above salary . Money to be accumlated and paid at end of month" Now, that was cool. It meant extending beyond 8 hrs daily to may be 10-12 since we solved about 25 tickets per head per day. But potentially 50-60k per month was like doubling the salary!!! Chance of a life.
Neeraj took it up. He started dreamig of a bike.
Sonia took it up. She wanted to buy an iphone.

Day 1- Neeraj clicked his numbers easily. Sonia did 12 hrs, 50 tickets, but missed CSAT.
Day 2 - Neeraj clicked. Sonia 12 hrs, 50 tickets, missed CSAT.
Day 3- same as Day 1 and 2.
Day 4- Neeraj clicked. And..........Sonia clicked too...wooooaaaawww!!!
Day 5 wow wow
Day 6 wow wow wow
...happily ever after. Hmmm..well, almost!

Next week, in weekly report, Quality Monitoring team reported to me that Sonia fudged the C-SAT scores from Day 4-6 and it was not customer who rated the code but the rating was done by an IP address from within the team, on the work-floor itself. And Sonia's iphone crashed before it came. Well...again.....almost.

I summoned Sonia and confronted her with the data. In her early 20s, she behaved like the just-out-of-teens kid she was. Unstoppable in letting her tear ducts to flood and drown the data, she refused to agree. I said its not something difficult to see, why someone would do fudging and who is the beneficiary. "Story is over dear!" and not just her daily bonus, fudging meant loss of job. She continued to be in denial.

Next day, it was my turn to be summoned and being shocked. Deepali, the HR lady called me and demanded in an authoritarian tone as to what business I had to allege against an employee's character without proof. Whattt???? Excuse me! I was raging like anyone in the situation would. "Look- I am not answering this , okay! I should be the one seeking answers from Sonia." HR would have none of it. Sonia had been to HR the previous day and said her integirty was being doubted. I left the HR room with clear thoughts- you want proof- so be it. And if earlier it was any mercy for Sonia, because of her past, now it was none.

I asked the technical team for more details of IP address, time, edit of the CSAT score and next day the report came. It was yet another shock- finger of suspicion pointed to .....no, not Sonia, but Neeraj! Neeraj was the only common logged-in employee at the exact time of edits in CSAT, on all three days.

"I love her" said Neeraj when asked as to the reason for fudging Sonia's CSAT. He didnt lie or try to cover up in any way.
Okay! I said. Your love could mean the company the business ..or it could mean your job. Better be the latter, if it was to be any justice.
I started feeling in the midst of a live Bollywood movie.  Ok buddy- but still, what about Sonia? She would know how her fotune changed and if their was a foreign hand if not overtly colluded with you. It is hard to believe otherwise. And started the story that only became the gossip story of the company for long long time to come.

Sonia adamant. Neeraj resigned to his fate. HR and I discussed and under the circumstances we had no option but to terminate Neeraj despite his cooperative nature and forgive Sonia, despite her intransigence. After Sonia's iphone, Neeraj's car also crashed without being driven.

Neeraj left the Company. Sonia became very reserved and confined to work. She improved her performance, may be hurt by the entire episode. But lost her iphone.

Neeraj lost his heart. And job.
In due course, I also left the job too and all three of us were in different companies. Someone called me after about a year and asked,
" Were you Sonia's manager last year?".
"Yes"
"We are considering her for promotion. And we hear she was involved in an unethical incident of fudging. Your comments?"
"Well, yes there was this episode but it was another guy who fudged her account and based on evidence I would say she was innocent then and we shouldnt hold it against her."
We talked few more minutes and I hung up.
Sonia called me later to thank me.

Time passed. Sonia and I used to exchange occasional mails on occasions of importance. Till one fine day...I received her wedding card. I opened it to read...

"Sonia weds Neeraj"

I read again...words didnt melt away no matter how often I read or how hard I stared at them. And only got cemented when I read full names including surname. My reactions and thoughts are unclear to me even till date....

To be continued......
(Based on real-life events. Names changed to protect identity. Incidents and settings suitably adapted without loss of fidelity of the known human behavior and spirit of the real-life events)

Mars View Of Venus

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. From the way God designed them to the way they are socially conditioned to think and act and to what they become- they are so, to put simplistically, different. A mutual appreciation and understanding would help all, so I believe. The blog is my attempt to combine real life experiences primarily around human behavior and personal life with some problem solving, psycho-social analysis and soul searching to make our lives better.

I happened to read the story and personal diary of Sweety and felt that there are so many small lessons, small steps, small things that the more knowledgable of us can and should share that can add up to make a huge difference to lives of others.. Lessons from tragic story of Sweety - may be sometime later though here it is for the curious mind. http://goo.gl/4qBkI

Caveat- I am an Engineer MBA and no psychologist, no author, no sociologist  (I only have an interest in these areas and so try to pretend ) - the kind  who can solve complex differential equations, sees numbers and logic in everything and who w'ont know despite all attempts to understand what women want. Quite often, I dissect issues with logic, where emotion would make sense. But quite often its also the reverse where people act according to their heart, only to lose rationality that was needed.

Home was the place for personal life, and office for work. But no longer so. Office has so much of relationships, social media has, and home has it too. Despite relationship density and reach expanding techies write more geek blogs than on relationships and I attempt to correct some imbalance. To avoid losing track we need to keep adjusting our sight as Mars view of Venus is changing every moment.

I believe in only reality and the closest I come to appreciate fiction is in my belief that truth is stranger than fiction. Most posts will be around my colleagues/relatives/friends in office, family, neighbourhood, social media (and occasionally media celebrities). I do respect their privacy and the trust they imposed in sharing their inner secrets with me. I may even state judgmental interpretations. That is Mars view- its essential to the story. But what I promise is that I have suitably anonymized the posts while still maintaining the integrity of the story. If the posts are used and shared so as to reach just one person whose life changes for the better by reading it, the purpose of my writing and that of contributors/readers is solved. Lets learn from each other, from our mistakes, from other's mistakes, for a better world. And if it happens to be ur own story...just take my view as an additional viewpoint from a neutral unbiased observer- it would do you good no matter whether you choose to ignore, counter or agree to it .

Comments on the post and contribution of your own experiences is the fuel that keeps this blog alive! Happy life!