Evolution, Mating and Modern rules for women

Today’s headlines caught my attention.

Ditched-by-live-in-partner-girl-cries-rape-no-bail-for-man

In short, an educated computer engineer girl in the NCR region, files case of rape against boyfriend after 8 years of live-in, because boy refused to marry the girl citing parental pressure and married another girl. Boy’s counter-argument is rape cannot be made out if it has been consensual sex for 8 long years. Court says that case is admitted with no bail for boy, and legal opinion is divided.

The girl is dumb. The boy acted smart. Judge is right in saying,” You had fun for eight years, now face the music and prove yourself not guilty.” Many feel, marriage rape and live-in are all distinct. Boy is right. Many others feel, marriage, rape, live-in are not so distinct and have blurred boundaries. I can only say that this is all too common a story. When love stories or live-in or even marriages fall foul, the girl always bears the burden. And yet, girls make stupid mistakes. Blind in love goes the phrase and truly so, more accidents happen when one is blind.

Let us dissect the mindsets.

Evolutionarily, all animals, humans included have primal needs defined by nature that can be summarized very very crisply in three sentences of one-three words each.

Don’t get eaten. Eat. Mate.

Eating is as natural as is self-defence in not allowing to be eaten, to survive. But then third one is a bit counter-intuitive as it is not about individual’s survival, but about the gene’s or species survival- through mating in mammals. That is why many equate sex to hunger- a bodily need that must be met and cannot be denied.

So far so good. Both male and female of the species have the need to propagate their genes. Need to mate. Need sex. Even if their brains weren’t so evolved this much is drilled into even the dumbest of species.

But then paths and the rules for both, begin to differ once need for sex is established. Men evolutionarily can mate with large number of partners without physical and physiological signs (like pregnancy or menstrual cycle). Women are thus evolutionarily wired to be deliberate in choosing partner and once committed, get locked into a relation as they develop physical signs of bearing that relation, lock themselves out of other potential partners and need to tender to the baby and the kid and so on. Physical relationship rules are accompanied by other rules. For example, emotional and legal.

The reason women are made more discerning in their choice of partners and men philander is because of same evolutionary reason. But then many of my women friends argue. Things have changed. Women earn. There is pill. Family is increasingly becoming nuclear and sins of a gone era are becoming more acceptable socially. Women have their needs too, of being liked by men and to satisfy their evolutionary needs through sexual gratification and should not be the only ones sacrificing. And so on.

I agree. All these carry merit. And all these carry, a cost-social, emotional, financial, legal, reputational. Have you considered them before deciding?

Back to the live-in news-story as the case in point. The girl feels cheated. Rightly so but many argue. Is the girl not able to marry anyone else? Can she not move on in life? Again, one needs to dig deeper into male and feminine psyche. Men have longer reproductive life. If his boyfriend were to wait till 40 years of age also, he could have married but women, after 30 years of age (refer my earlier blog “Turning 30”) become biologically less useful to prospective mates. They cannot fight biological clock. Stakes are higher for women in a relationship no matter how modern society is and pills cheaper to get. Bearing progeny and mating is a human need and men would prefer women in reproductive age(max 40 years, that too with risks inherent). On contrary, men can be reproductive even upto 70s. The girl in this story is rightly worried as now she is on verge of being reproductively past her prime, she has lost her man. No new man would come near her or wrong men would court her, and she has a difficult period ahead any which way.

Apart from reproductive age difference and physical signs of committed relationship in mating, another key differential is physical strength. It needs no elaboration. All these combined, shape and socially condition emotional behavior, social roles, relationship hierarchy and so on. Net result is even in areas not evolutionarily obvious, feminine power gets subdued.

Call it conspiracy of nature or call it plain differences – bottomline is both men and women have to play by different rules and must know them, to not feel cheated later. None of my arguments are to justify male avarice or feminine subservience. But only to define laws of nature. Such laws govern behavior sub-consciously and nobody deliberately wants to think a certain way. We are made to think so by our selfish genes. Such laws exist in any situation where a difference in power exists.

So, what do I mean when I say rules are different and how can women “play to win” by those rules? For one, women have this so called “ladder theory”- friends list and another potential mate list. They must understand the two and be firm on their sixth sense in sticking to names in either list. Second, prevention is better than cure. Understand male mindset. They would like to shoot and scoot. Its evolutionarily stable strategy. You cannot do that. So, act pricey and do not give in till you get the commitment you want. Be it commitment of marriage or just an acknowledgement of relationship. Live in or sex is not something you give first and then hope for a quid pro quo. You first get commitment, not verbal, not private but social and public and legal. Else, stake is all yours. If it falls through, cost is only on you.

This girl has got it all wrong. 8 years of live-in, she kept investing in a relationship, because she” had” to. Simply because she opted to live in.  She could have no other man committed to her, as the world knows if you are in live-in, either you must be of easy virtue or you are taken. Simple law of mating is, all want exclusive rights to your genes. Not shared. Now, as for the boy, yet another law of mating is to keep aiming higher. If a man has 7/10 gene in his girl, he wants 8/10 n 9/10 n gets attracted to others he rates so. Ditto for women. All want genetically higher outcomes. Look how easily guy in live-in relationship, said, his parents are against marriage to live-in partner and opts for arranged marriage. No rocket science, simple evolutionary mating principle. Boy has this 8 years of relationship, he has a possibility of a better offer, he would move on. He isn’t committed by marriage or by kid (or by law and that is what judges are trying for first time). Girl got locked in by her one-sided commitment, emotional  and cannot just shoot and scoot. Nature made girls higher on empathy and emotional investment, made them more discreet and discerning in selecting a partner, gave them women’s sense. They abandon these gifts to their own peril.

Some tips:-

• ·        Call bluff early. If you feel blackmailed, you quit asap, no matter what be the stakes. Once you allow yourself to be blackmailed, its all downhill as you hand over power balance to the unscrupulous other person.
• ·        Do not deny your mating instincts. Do not be a recluse. But stop short of giving in, especially being aware that certain steps may be irreversible for you,  without extracting public legal commitment. Old fashioned but even more valid.
• ·        Do not think pills or abortion are the solution to casual relation. Word spreads and reputation matters. More, emotionally shattered psyche does not heal easily either.
• ·        Increase stakes for the guy in relationship. May be by including his parents and family. By making him commit financially. By marriage. Public announcements by him.
• ·        Use laws. Laws are to strike balance between unequals and thus most are in favor of women.
• ·        In office or friends circle, have many male friends, all with infrequent but equal relationship, to keep your ego boosted, feel wanted and yet not shut out males who malign your relationship in case you get too close to only one. That would be risking too much before marriage.
• ·        Done a mistake and landed in a situation? Think evolutionarily. How would the mate behave? Chances are he will act that way only, being only human. Plan and act to get that to your advantage. More on such tricks in a later blog.

Do girls not know these rules? They often do, though not all. Why they fall prey still? Well, one, they get blinded. Two, many do wishful thinking hoping against laws of nature. Three, often, they fall into blackmail cycle. Four, they mistake sequence of give and take. They feel if Ithey give in first, boy will be obliged to reciprocate with commitment. Never happens. Five, they do not talk to close friends and/or  listen to them. Five, even when they realize folly, worrying about future stakes, it suits them to suffer and not make a show of their foolishness. Six, many think and shared too with me so casually, that they keep sex as different from marriage. Enjoy sex, don’t invest emotionally. Once decided to marry, move on, away from casual sex. Requires too much of self-control like an on-off switch. Not practical. Seen hardly any, who can manage the change overnight. Results in hangover and worries and disaster. Lastly, living in.....denial, is so common that evolutionary logic falls on deaf ears. "My man is different."

Those who know me, know me as one big votary of conventional thinking. But on rationality and common sense, and evolutionary logic, not because I like all things old. Evolutionary behavior would never go out of fashion.I am guilty of reading too much into a woman’s mind and would like to hear views and learn.

Twilight shapes the dawn

Yuppies and the others
Young Urban Progressive Professional Indian Eves..or yuppies is what my posts are all about. But this time I am  taking a break to share a real story of two women I know,  who are anything but yuppies. Urban Indian Eves - yes. Progressive and professional - definitely, but not by your usual definition. Young- Not quite but does age matter? One of them underaged and the other overaged- both from weaker and neglected sections of societies - they deserve space on my blog above yuppies for reasons that will unfold soon below. It lacks sleaze, jealousy, drama, money, sex....mmmm...it lacks even melodrama and humor. But as with my posts, it is about the incredible human spirit. Read it as a food for soul; more for its nutritious value than for any spicy, artificial flavored, fancily named taste bud tickler that leaves a bitter aftertaste and sickness.

Kakijee, she is called by all. I don't know how she came to be called that but she was now- Kakijee, to all. She retired in 1995 as a school teacher. After four decades in same school in Ambala, she looked forward to a peaceful retirement. Back in the days of rare love marriages, Kakijee had one, and lived a charmed married life.Tragedy strikes when you plan the least for it. When her husband died in 1997, she took quite some time to pick pieces of her life back again.

An attempt
Kakijee had a son and daughter, both settled in their own married worlds in urban milieu. Kakijee was banking on staying with her Air Force officer son, who was to return and settle in Ambala after his armed services career. Her daughter-in-law was one smart yuppie and she wriggled her way out of any support 'liabilities' by picking a job in Delhi and insisting that its Delhi or nowhere- definitely not Ambala. Kakijee gave it a try by moving to Delhi but DIL didn't make life any easier for her. A third floor flat with no elevator meant Kakijee was holed up with her knee problem to merely view the world, not be part of it. Back in Ambala, she had a complete world to call her own and participate in. Delhi is unkind to elders. But Kakijee was there for her son and grandchildren. She would brave it all for them.

Unfortunately, her relationship problems kept on compounding. Her son cared but not by offending his wife. DIL possibly on purpose, ensured smart Ekta-Kapoor-serial-inspired-tricks to keep her frustrated. She refused to even let Kakijee enter kitchen when Kakijee offered to help to feel part of the family. When Kakijee's granddaughter left house for hostel, she lost her talk-partner and felt even more lonely. Caged in a pigeon-hole. After a showdown, Kakijee left for Ambala for good. At 65, she was all be herself. A bird who possibly couldnt fly. And in an empty nest.

Home again
Enter Astha in Kakijee's life..

Astha was earlier Lachcho. Lachcho the maid. Lachcho- the daughter of a maid. That was till she met Kakijee. Kakijee told me she felt that change of her name was crucial to give her an identity. "Okay", I said," but how will she get that identity?" I was soon to discover Kakijee was the creator of more than the name- Astha, the name, the identity and the personality.

Astha studied till she was aged 12 and like most in her ilk, dropped out to join burgeoning child labor force. Her mother felt Kakijee's house as safest for her and agreed to her overnight stay, Astha being full time support to Kakijee. Good money was also a motive. Kakijee was diabetic, needed help to move around given her knee problem and more medical ailments. She needed Astha. But she also had to fill her empty years and took upon herself to do what she did best- to teach.

Astha the child labor, the maid and Kakijee the malkin, would together wind up the household work quickly and then the roles changed for second half of the day. Kakijee the teacher and Astha the student took to a new relationship of tutor and the taught. Astha was first girl in her community to go on to do her class 10th. Her govt school was surprised too with her progress. She went on to do her graduation, supported by Kakijee's meagre pension funds. Astha even works part time in a computer job now.  Kakijee on her part felt wanted, important and with a mission. Something to look forward to in life. she even thumbed down her son's invite on his greh-pravesh due to Astha's exams.

A beautiful relation
Over last many years, I have been witness to the trust between both of them over my dozen odd visits. Kakijee's only relative in Ambala who sometimes helps is Ravinder. "Auntyji, car ka aap kya karoge? ?Jab chahiye ho, mujhe bata dena. I am at your service" Saying so, Ravinder took car from Kakijee, only to be there for any medical emergencies. Kakijee seemed to acquiesce to this give and take. Between her own son and Ravinder, whom could she call her own more? Sab ki apni zindagiyan hain, majboorian hain. She seemed to be wanting to reduce the guilt of her son and daughter.

These days Kakijee is worried about getting Astha a groom. There are not enough good men in that strata of society to accept sharp career growth of Astha. Men in her community marry 15 yr olds and "overqualified" Astha must be 20.

"I dont want to keep Astha now." Kakijee said during my last visit.
"Why? all ok?" I asked.
"She should not be doing this household work now with her graduation nearing completion. It is demeaning and not helping her in her marriage plans."
"But....." I paused as we both knew what was said and left unsaid. I didn't have a good ethical reason to stop Kakijee.
"Let go" she was firm. Kakijee must let go to let the flowers bloom on seeds sowed. Even against her own selfish interest.
I wonder what destiny has planned next for her.

Endnote
I wonder, how much we value the blessings of the elderly. Sometimes we leave invaluable love for others to benefit from. For Astha's luck and changed life- she has to thank Kakijee's children.

Abandoned elders. Exploited child labor. But then, the blind and the lame are the best of friends. How to define this relationship between Kakijee and Astha? Call it symbiotic or being practical- but isn't it the most beautiful one? It has given them both a renewed faith in life- trust, human values, self-respect- a meaning and purpose to live. And, i think they both cock a snook at the selfish and conceited society that excluded them,  condemning them to a lesser life.

I always maintain our diseases and ailments are psycho-somatic. Kakijee has many more years in her life because she has chosen to add life to her years. Left in a cage, she would have died- first in spirit and then in body. She doesn't need a son to take her to hospital. She needed a dignity and purpose in life to overcome any need to go to hospital in the first place.

Be positive! Life is beautiful.

Beyond the stars

Early days

Koyal was her given name. If one thought it was for any musical traits of hers, one would be disappointed to hear....well....hear, not me, but her. Koyal was a misnomer of sorts for her. She believed in continuous use of vocal chords and not just melodious use. But you could pardon her that. The company of Bulbul her younger sister, brought out her best- in terms of volume and quantity of talk. Both were better-than-me average singers, but tried to make up for that by practicing ever so much in each other's company. I use 'practice' as an euphemism for talk-talk-talk.

Koyal was razor sharp and excelled at languages. She wanted to be a journalist. I can only guess she would want to be a TV journalist to do what she did best- talk. And not for a life at the desk, writing. But even at that she would have done well since she was an intelligent Delhi girl.

 Catch-up

Koyal and I were neighbours over a decade back. A year elder to me, she used to have a sisterly affection and guide me in studies. Circle of life moves quickly and moved even quicker for both Koyal and me in different ways as we both moved out of Delhi and lost touch. 11 years later, much-feted and also much-maligned Facebook connected me back to my childhood friend. Koyal, the mother of two now from a teenager then, had her usual girl-marriage-MIL-kids story. I was not too amused given her promising zeal just a decade back. She followed a very ordinary path. I was characteristically blunt to ask her that. Need i say I never understand women. She was in tears and tore me down too.

"It is so easy for you to mock at me. Ab bada engineer ban gaya hai naa. You meet after so long and just trash me like I am nobody if just a housewife and mother. How mean!"

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt, but knowing you, just want you to do your best in career and life"

"You should be sorry. Anyway, I don't need any explanations."

Silence.

More silence.

I guess, in the foul mood I got her in, I had no chance in edgeways to offer penance. But I had nothing to lose further either."Coffee?" I offered to break the frozen frame.

"Hmmm"

Whether it was to make me suffer by ticking me off more I was yet to discover.

"Where is Bulbul?" I tried to change the topic.

"She is in Basil, Switzerland. She did her PhD in molecular chemistry and is now a research scientist with a Pharma MNC."

I guess I unintentionally rubbed Koyal's self-worth more with my question, after my regretted earlier comment. But she showed no signs of a sibling rivalry.

"And where do you stay now? I came to know you left Delhi." I was not able to recall the place though I remembered mom telling me about Koyal.

"We are in Bulandshaher. It takes two hours from here."

"Never been there."

"I know."

A decade of life

Over next half an hour, Koyal told me all about her decade of life unknown to me. Koyal was married off at 19, in middle of her second year at college. Her final year she completed through correspondence from some non-descript university and lamented that repetitively, since it was a major climbdown from Delhi University.

"You see, I am a Manglik. The astrologers have a major problem with that when it comes to marriage. When this offer came, I was 18 and the Jyotishi told us, I have stars for marriage only now or at 31 years of age. A Manglik can only marry a Manglik and under certain nakshatras etc."

"Did you like the boy?"

"I was not thinking about that. I don't know what I thought then except that I wanted to study. I even told it to 'him' in our first meeting. I was a fool."

"No, you were not." I tried to empathize.

"He is very kind and I liked the way he assured me on continuing my studies. Mom dad were very confused and worried. They consulted many people and I became very irritable with all of it."

I could imagine a 18 year old being suddenly the center of the talk in the house. How her stars had a problem, how she had the onus to not be a burden on her family by taking a course of her own. What if Jyotishi is right? So what if marriage is 2 years early, don't girls marry early and be happy? Law allows it. and 'woh' chahte hain main shadi ke baad padhai poori karoon. Bulbul also has to marry. Family's izzat. A range of emotions crossed her mind ending up finally in a decision probably everyone wanted to hear.

Star-matters and Stars matter

"Who believes all this shit these days?" I almost blurted out.

"Huh. Everyone. And even you."

"No way. I believe in scientific thinking. I won't even know my star sign" I gave out a Yudhishthari truth, to sound rational. I know my star sign but nothing more.

"It's like this. Everyone, wants a kundli match. Even in an inter-religion or inter-caste or love marriage, kundlis are still to be matched. And everyone feels, ladkiyon ki kya kami hai jo manglik hi bachi hai hamare ladle ke liye"

The poignancy of the statement in Koyal's context made me curb my laughter. Else, inopportune smiles and laughs have often landed me in serious trouble in the past.

I realized, even a rational person will think like that. Even when I buy aloo pyaz, if I have choice I will buy what I like. Even if the defect in the aloo is of my perception and not of aloo, it does not matter- the aloo still gets rejected. And life is no aloo pyaz. so everyone feels like I do. And just walks off from a Manglik marriage.

Luckily I had not thought aloud. Else, for thinking of aloo-pyaz simile I was in for being torn down again.

"All big talk. Nothing happens." she brought me back from my imaginary sabzi mandi.

"Didi, Aap khush to ho naa?"

Koyal smiled, and then laughed. "Yes. I genuinely am."

"Pankaj is very nice. He does not get much time though for me because of his business. And Shaivi and Dhanush don't leave me any moment of sadness." She loved her kids.

Koyal's major regrets were being in Bulandshaher, a town with very closed conservative society and secondly was not completing her studies. She was uprooted at 19 from a place where she belonged.  Friends, lifestyle, college, family, and above all Bulbul- she missed all. And, since then, she was not the Koyal who would cuckoo any more. She became Koyal, the wife of Pankaj. A golden cage, I thought. 

She could have been Bulbul.

A spirit called Life!

I was so wrong. To her credit, she found happiness in what she got.

"Kuchh log hain jooton ko rotey, kuchh logon ke paanv nahi hotey." She summed up all for me. She genuinely seemed to have found happiness. And her intellect was to the fore.

"See, girls don't get married. They are tortured for dowry. So many go through divorces. Childless couples pain nobody can understand. Am I worse than any of these?" She refused to be pitied. Years later I learnt Bulbul's challenges in life and had to agree with what Koyal said at the time.

I smiled. "Didi, I still need to learn a lot from you."

My parting comment possibly made amends for my sorry start. She returned my smile.

I had many unanswered questions in my mind ever since. Why do we as society deliver an unfair world to some purely based on stars? Why do stars like Aishwarya also promote such superstitions by doing special ceremonies to ward off the evil etc? Is there a rational scientific way to break this vicious cycle of shunning Mangliks? If this Manglik business is so correct, why do people born under same Mangal-doshas in other religions don't suffer fateful outcomes? What if a Manglik lies about birth and creates a fake kundli to live a normal life-(I am all for it as a practical solution)? There are astro-prescribed-solutions to "rectify" the dosha(defect) but I question the very psychological degradation of mind caused by terming some strange constellation-mix millions of miles away as birth defect. How can one resist the so-rational mindset of exercising an option, even if over a perceived issue?

When will Koyal and Bulbul talk unlimited again? I am not talking of them needing ever-changing mobile plans :-)

But then, probably they do and the spirit of Koyal has outdone the stars too to find happiness.

(Adapted from events in life of a dear friend. Names changed to protect privacy)

Life loves a happy face

Band Baaja Baarat

Manisha Kalra (nee Manisha Chhabra), is not just Punjabi, but for me she defines the proverbial Punjabiyat that the punju characters in movies have come to be associated with- Cheerful, loud (for others, but below the median among cacophonous Punjabis) and with an infectious joie-de-vivre. And, of course a never say die spirit and a positive attitude to life!

But, Manisha, like everyone else, has not been delivered a bed of roses, for her life. She has had her share of ups and downs. It was just three years ago. Manisha Chhabra’s wedding got fixed with Dheeraj Kalra. Manisha and her giggly cousins were waiting for this moment. Leg pulling, shopping, plans for all related events like Ladies sangeet, Mehndi , Roka, Ring ceremony etc etc. Chhabra household matched Manisha for her mirth. It was one happy moment in their middle class family.

Honeymoon ke liye kahan jayegi?

"I donno. Dheeraj is very “dheela” in these things. Zyada bolta nahi hai." Manisha would enjoy such talk.

A man of few words, Dheeraj was relatively shy. Well anyone will be relatively shy in front of Manisha. And opposites attract. He silent. Happy just admiring Manisha silently. She was outspoken. By whom- Dheeraj would wonder. But then, he loved Manisha.

Dheeraj surprised Manisha, even by her own standards, on their honeymoon plans. Dheeraj booked their honeymoon for Singapore, a favorite for yuppies. Manisha wouldn’t stop boasting about it and her friends wouldn’t stop teasing her making her imagine what they would do on their honeymoon. She had to shop a lot, she smiled to herself- shopping before going, and in Singapore too!

Life was good! Shehnai baji, phere hue and all else….. Manisha was living a happy dream.

After the marriage

Manisha got married and came to Kalra household. She wasn’t too worried about mother in law hassles though her first brush over some trivial issue was not too good. She knew Dheeraj would have to remain mostly outstation, he being in Army. And her in-laws would continue in Delhi. A matter-of-fact thought, that was brought to bear on her when the rishta came first, to be successfully ‘sold’ through that neighbourhood aunt.

But script was being written by the Almighty. Within 48 hours of her marriage, her father-in-law suddenly collapsed and refused to breathe again. From a house of happiness, Kalra household became one of mourning. Manisha was shocked. Her honeymoon?- Aah, even the mention would have been inappropriate. "God, why me? Why now?" She cried incessantly in the bathroom, unable to share her feelings with anyone.

Not that the tears were not on flow everywhere else in the household. Her mother-in-law was absolutely distraught.

To add salt to injury, Manisha overheard a stinging word. It was absolutely avoidable but it hurt her like a dagger stabbed. Manhoos (bad omen)- she just remembered the word and rest of sentence didn’t matter to her. One of the aunts she wont want to remember. Punjabis can be such cruel. Because they talk a lot, they talk nonsense too.

Upto the Challenge

Manisha called her mom that night. 'Called' would be incorrect to say because she mostly wept and listened. Manisha's mother was a calm, gentle lady and in such moment all her practical wisdom was to the fore. Manisha was to remain positive and take control. It was her destiny. It was her moment. She knew her mother (of course) and valued her advise. We all need such pillars in life in moments of acute distress. Her mother advised her to let her actions speak and just ignore any negativity of situation and just be positive. Manisha had learnt to live only one way- To be positive. She just needed reminding.

She had a blank canvas in a new household to build and paint her reputation on. Life has challenges. Challenges are opportunities. And here was an opportunity. Opportunities throw choices.We choose the consequences when we choose from the options. Our choices make our destiny.She chose hers. If someone threw a blot at her canvas, she still could paint over it.

From that moment on...ok well, before that, we need to define the moment. It was the same moment when Manisha should have boarded her flight with Dheeraj to Singapore. But now, all that was not to be. So, from that moment on, she decided to make the most of what cards she had been dealt with.

Manisha took Dheeraj into confidence and they jointly made her mother-in-law(MIL)'s recovery their mission. Her MIL had gone weak, was depressed and fell sick often. She would not talk. To make her talk, Manisha made it a point to talk to her regularly. Initially it was not easy but then soon she gained acceptance. 

Life returns

Manisha told me a secret. "Whatever happens, one should always remain on talking terms. That is why the phrase has a place in the language." Even if nothing happens, one must talk to people one loves and likes. It keeps the emotions of love and affection simmering. She says she had her moments of MIL-DIL tiffs but always shed ego to talk the next possible opportunity but not later than a day. That repairs the situation.  "I never say ki baat nahi karoongi, khana nahi khaaongi just because I am upset with Dheeraj or my MIL. " I like to talk and eat, naa," she giggled. Over period, her MIL became her best friend and biggest fan. She would praise her everywhere. Manisha's colleagues in office were surprised that she stays with MIL and is still cordial with her. Dheeraj quit Army and was settled in Delhi too. It was then that Manisha joined my company in Delhi.

Manisha went for her honeymoon on her first wedding anniversary.

Within next 2 years, she cleared her MBA exam. She joined the prestigious Indian School of Business and was a unique student with hubby, baby and MIL in tow on campus. She says she owes it to her hubby and MIL's full support. I never hesitate to tell her story to motivate people who think that remaining positive in all situations is not possible. Or that sacrifices don't work in today's world. Manisha's adaptability and flexibility with her life worked to her advantage, and that of others. I must say, credit goes to Dheeraj and his mother too, because they are also nice people. Tragedy can strike anyone but strong families, and they are simple and normal people who have strong bonds with each other, can weather it all.

Endnote: When good people meet other good people, not only they both gain, but the whole world becomes a better place to live in.

(When Koyal became 19, a wedding offer came and despite Koyal's exceptional academics and her wishes to marry after completing studies, her parents forced her to marry. Koyal's star-crossed life.....in my next post.)

People like us...Lives unlike ours(Part-2)

Over next few days we had frequent calls and online chats. Sheetal's unravelling story had me rivetted.

Flashback
Twelve years back, Sheetal, a bright young girl then, was excited to join college. Only child, she was the pride of her middle class parents, since she surpassed their humble life, because of her education already. She was brilliant and was pursuing a course in BA English Hons. I was not surprised given her impeccable diction and fluency.

Attractive she was and it was not long before a girl of less than twenty with stars in her eyes, fell in love with her classmate Junaid. It was the famed first love so romanticized in popular filmlore, with all its innocence and purity. Her eyes must have been twinkling and voice had that floating feeling of another world as she recalled those days to me. But..then! Why it happens always? Like in movies, there were villains. The fairies met their devils in dreamland. Devils of the mind and those of the society. Sheetal had already gone and committed to the relationship beyond love. She refused to abort Junaid's child and Junaid reneged on his promise to marry her due to religious intolerance from his parents. Sheetal was ruined. Or was she?

Not yet. Sheetal's parents knew about her pregnancy or not, I don't know. But Sheetal engineered a quick marriage with Samanth. Her parents had started to find a groom for her sensing the worst when she broke news of her affair few months back. She won't admit but I feel she judged that weak personality that Samanth is, she would be able to cuckold him with least ado. And so she did. Its now 10 years or so but Samanth is neither able to consummate with Sheetal nor able to divorce though he sensed early on that he was the wronged one. They stay separate for most periods and Sheetal has full access and rights over Samanth's home, parents and assets.

Drifting Away
But destiny has rather familiar ways to do justice and like fools we think that is the prerogative of the courts. And then there is society that is capable on its own, to deal with sins, regardless of law. And above all, is the power supreme; Almighty God!

A year or two after the birth of the baby, Samanth started becoming detached. She depended solely on his innocent parents but they could be of help only to an extent at their age. She was smart and ambitious, now stuck in a situation she didnt enjoy a bit. Being a city girl, and devoid of all support, her aspirations and life became slave to a child's needs. Her parents had given up on her wayward behaviour and retired to a life away from prying eyes of the society. She had not much option left but to face life all by herself.

Through an old college friend's recommendation, and given her fluent English, she got a job in the backoffice of an MNC. Sheetal was introduced to her first employer and people around her quickly figured out that she was hapless. Her separated status, mid twenties age and rather lonely life attracted prying eyes of male predators. I guess her own need for money made her a willing prey too. She soon landed up in an affair and was fired alongwith the other staffer

Not so Public Relations
She returned back to her friend. Now, to get another job. He was to become her job-hop manager for many years to come, and even till date. Sheetal's social circle and possibly Junaid's bragging meant that Sheetal's secret was known to many, including this friend. Over no time, this friend started to make advances. She obliged rather willingly.

The guy was none other but Adi.

Adi and Sheetal had a love-hate relationship. Both couldn't resist each other and nor could avoid exploiting/opposing each other. Adi got Sheetal lured into big money.....and, big bad world of PR. The PR of Sheetal and Adi's world was different. Their definition of PR had P silent. It was relations only and silent P meant 'secret' and 'private'. I  was reminded of Bipasha's character  in the movie Corporate. Welcome to the big bad world of corporate honeytraps that forge secret private relations to further clients' businesses. Sheetal was one such honeytrap; a 'clandestine human intelligence asset'. And Adi, an asset manager or in crude words- an exploitative pimp.

A World Apart

Sheetal could put any Ivy League Grad to shame with her business knowledge and intelligence. And her fluency and personality could make her seem the new-age woman all women's magazines eulogize about. Sheetal was like any of us or our colleagues we daily meet and know of. She could have well been the CEO of a company and run it more profitably than any we may know. But then it was not to be. She still took enormous risks and worked hard, calculatively and intelligently, but just to get on with life. She had thrills. She enjoyed. She had her adventures and risks. Beneath her exterior that was like a mirror to me when i first saw her, her world had layers that concealed an explosive thrill and an explosive risk!  But she was not reaching anywhere. Just enjoying the journey. The mirror just reflected the first layer.

Somewhere in all her roller-coaster was lost an Alice in wonderland. Her daughter- Piya! I was always furious at Sheetal for that.
"What you are doing to her is illegal and immoral. She is being tortured by her own mother. Why? Just because she cannot speak for herself? Don't you feel guilty?"
"I don't think that is fair to say and I do my best to take care of her. She has her happy moments with me too." Sheetal would go in denial with very predictable excuses.
Sheetal did understand however, what I intended and may be it had some impact on her. But she had compulsions of her world, where little Piya was just getting trampled. She seemed clear in her mind to save enough to pack her off to a boarding school soon.

Sheetal and I realized pretty early on in our conversations and mutually agreed that our worlds were as different as chalk and cheese. I had to give up temptation to try and change it. I restricted myself to only see this hitherto unseen world from the safety of distance and she obliged. She wanted to seek advise on many aspects of her life, from someone not part of her life. I obliged too. The mutual trust was always held and Sheetal opened her life like a book to me. Over next three months we both learnt a lot, to say the least.

A chance meeting in a hotel lobby had started it all. To connect two worlds that would never have.

(I could blog on Sheetal's life till it is a complete book. For "us", with normal lives on this side of the Lakshman Rekha, it may get heavy and unreal. On balance, there are two detailed episodes of Sheetal's life that I was privy to and that showed me what her life is like.  I would share these at a later time.)

Next blog post- Hubby, Mother in law, and Boss! Management lessons applied managing real life. World of newly married MBA Manager, Manisha.

People like us...Lives unlike ours(Part-1)

The mirror
One could easily mistake me to be mimicking her actions. Or it could be vice versa. As if there was an imaginary mirror that reflected an image of mine down to each gesticulation and ambulation.

While on a business tour to Mumbai, I was in the lobby of the hotel I was to check-in and there was this lady in another corner of the lobby, both of us animatedly trying to reason with someone at respective ends of our mobile phones. I was not sure what her reasons were but I was very irritated with and howling at my admin staff who had not booked a room correctly for me.

I hung up after I found I can't do better than wait till noon to check in. It was just 10 yet. As if on cue, she had hung up same time too. We made eye contact and despite her rather haughty and snobbish demeanour we managed to exchange a smile.

Icebreaker Smoke
I proceeded to sit on the only sofa-set in the lobby as she too came and sat across me.
"What happened? Resolved?" I tried to empathize.
"F@#$%^ won't change at all." She used expletives straight from Delhi Belly script.
"What happened? Anything I can help with?" I tried to be courteous.
"No, thanks. All of you men are alike. And even these kids are such a pain you see." She said leaving me with no option for relief even if I consider myself as a kid at heart.
Even as I was offended by her former statement, I was more taken aback by her comment on kids. "But why kids?" I asked her.
Possibly she snubbed me but I thought she enquired of me, "Who are you?"
Even as I tried to be brief in my description of my corporate role and the hotel room problem, she interrupted me. "Care for a smoke?"
"No, thanks. I don't smoke. But you go ahead if you wish."

We walked across the lobby to outside parking area to let her smoke, as I tried to recall all the harmful effects of passive smoking. She was a chain smoker and smoked like a pro. In fact it proved to be the longest smoke break of my life and I did my quota of a year's passive smoking...hopefully more than a year's. I knew now why her voice had such heavy baritone.


Sheetal-Shocked.
"I am Sheetal. I work for a PR (Public Relations) company." As her smoke-rings drifted like soaring kites, I wondered to put together her caricature sketch in my mind. But she caught me gazing at her face.
"By the way, you must be thinking that now that you have me talking with you, you can sleep with me..huh?"
I was rather shocked already and this made me feel I was in wrong place and something ominous may happen.
"I think we dont know each other so its better we just go our ways." I made my intent obvious.
"Don't pretend. You liar. Men think only that"
The sheer audacity had me benumbed. Not that I wished to join issue with her anyway. Smartly dressed in jeans with a loose top, she proved me right. She was as conceited in her talk as she looked. I started to walk back. She stubbed out her smoking stick and followed me hurriedly.
"Look, I had a terrible night and then this kid early morning had me fuming. And now here I am stuck waiting for this f@#$%^. Huh! what a way to start the week."
"Its ok. Calm down. How old is your kid?"
"She is 4 but why doesn't she behave in front of hers?"
"Can't blame the kids. They are after all just kids.She craves her parents' attention. Since you both work, she must get her share of time when you come home" I rationalized.
As always, my assumptions so easily get questioned.
"Not both. I bring her up alone. My hubby works in Surat."
"That doesn't change your role as mother still."
"Listen, when you dont know, ask. Dont go on sermonizing. She knows she has to sleep in her room, then why doesn't she behave?"
"Kid of 4 and you both alone in a house at night. Why would she sleep alone?" It was not as if I ignored her charge on my making assumptions but only realize it soon.
"Piya has no business to act cranky when my friend comes over." Piya was her daughter's name.
I was still dumb. Sheetal had to be blunt to penetrate my dumbness to reach my head. She spoke and I listened.

Friendly encounters
Sheetal's friend, Adi had come over for a 'good' night with her and her daughter was not allowing both of them the privacy. Poor Piya. Since Samanth, Sheetal's husband, was away in Surat, Sheetal used to spend time with Adi over weekends. Yesterday, on Sunday, her daughter kept crying incessantly and knocking her room-door. Adi was pissed off with her intrusion (to me Adi was intruder in hapless child's life but who cares). I have reason to believe he hit Piya but Sheetal ducked the question. She says, they had to venture out at night, get Benadryl and buy some peace by 2 am.

I asked her why did she bother about a man who doesnt care for her kid. She said he looks after all her needs in absence of Samanth. She told me Samanth was a weak personality and was not even Piya's father. She further told me Samanth knew about Adi after he found Adi in her bed, in one surprise visit from Surat.
"Does Samanth send you money?"
"Yes. But not much."
"Does Adi pay you for the good time?"
Sheetal ignored my sarcasm. "He used to. But now its more like we both like to be with each other and he is the only one in this city who can help me when I need."

Sheetal was mad at her creche staff when we first saw each other an hour and a half back, because they called her in the morning to say, Piya was unable to stay in Creche as she was crying. Sheetal couldnt drop her business meeting and argued with staff to do their best to look after Piya.

Suddenly, a suave gentleman appeared and interjected our rather involved discussion. "Ma'am you can go."
She stood up to leave. "You are nice to know. I am sorry, I was rude to you. I got to go now as my client meeting is due but please call me when you get time. Would love to talk" She gave me her number and left.

I looked at my watch. Still 10 minutes to noon. I lumbered up to the front-desk. I looked at her number unaware of what was to come my way from that number when I was to call her.
(To be continued)

(Based on real incidents and personalities from my life. Names and identities changed to protect privacy. Based on feedback received, I have tried to keep the length of the post short, used subsections for easy breaks in flow for the reader and dropped sermonizing, at least till I can resist the temptation :-). Do let me know your views.)

For My Pati Parameshwar..How much is too much?

Astha and Manan were part of a batch of 100 recruited from their colleges, by my IT company . Leaving their hometowns, Gwalior and Bhopal respectively, they landed up in same training class in Hyderabad. Astha was six months elder to Manan but with same year of graduation, they were peers now. Suddenly away from family, lonely, independent, earning and in their early 20s, both sought support in each other's company and kept getting closer to each other. Typical small town middle class graduate engineers with dreams of joining the millions of new liberalized, global Indians. Both were very shy and withdrawn, but very determined and hardworking. Not very comfortable speaking English but on technical matters, very thorough.  Both were easily the most mild mannered of the lot and may be that the opposites attract, but they seemed similar and yet attracted to each other.

On the personal front, things moved expectedly and soon, initial friendship transformed to love and then when they travelled back together for Diwali and Astha's parents met Manan, marriage quickly became just a matter of time.

They married next year. It was 2005.

Since their marriage, they have stayed together as both have been in the same project. First few years in one project in Hyderabad and in 2008 they moved to US together. I came to know them in 2009 on joining their project.

Being reserved by nature, both go largely unnoticed, except for occasional appreciation for their good work. Things were and seemed normal, till....

During annual performance appraisals, last year, there were some tough decisions to be made. Due to bell-curve for performance ratings and pyramidical hierarchy, vacancies for promotions and over 10% salary hikes were both, possible in very few cases. Being of same seniority, both had similar expectations and career profile- so comparisons were obvious. Better halves were competing halves.

Manan, easily the technically more brilliant of the two, was worthy but when all round feedback was sought, Astha stood out for her greater communication skills in addition to a an equally good technical knowledge and impressive customer feedback too. If it was to be just one, then Astha had to be that. Ironically, a minimum rating was must for promotion so it was to be just one take-all. Astha got promotion, and a high rating as also a higher salary compared to Manan.

I had not bargained for the shattering effect this rather positive appreciation of her performance would result in. Spousal rivalry, is understandable now, but the extent had escaped me then. Manan went into denial, had ugly showdown, became withdrawn and within a month, resigned.

Astha possibly had serious fight with Manan over Manan pressurizing her to resign too in solidarity over his perceived injustice. Manan moved alone to San Francisco as Astha continued in Los Angeles in my team. They would visit each other every fortnight but the chemistry seemed faded to me, on both occasions when I met them. Astha soon confirmed that they both were losing financially too due to running two establishments and travel costs. They were both now near 30 and childless despite 7 years of marriage.

I felt that project’s selfish interests were breaking up a family unit and advised her to resign and join her husband. It was good 9 months before she could finally do that as she searched for the right job. But on getting the job offer, her problems seemed to have only increased.

“Sir, the problem is in the offer that I have got, my salary is almost $20,000 more than what Manan gets from his company. That is almost 30% more. And he would not say it but I know it would lead to awkward undercurrent always.”

“But you said you have financial problems. Being DINKs (Double Income with No Kids), for last 7 years and still not even having a bank balance, leave alone a house- all despite dollar salaries!!! And when you get Goddess Lakshmi to walk in through the door, you say you are not interested!” I was flabbergasted.

“Its after a long time that things seem to be moving in right direction between both of us. I will move back with him. We need to plan our family. But, I cannot rock the boat yet again. That would be disastrous. There should be harmony.” Astha knew her priorities.

“So? You won’t join this new job?”

“I don’t know.” Astha was confused.

Reading between her lines, my personal take was that sex being such a strange animal, the reason she may not be conceiving could be that their inter-spouse professional rivalry sneaked in through the bedroom door.

After some brainstorming and lot of convincing, we worked out a solution. Astha would seek her new employer to restructure the compensation plan to show lesser take-home pay than the figure for Manan. But, she would get enhanced perks, and net cost to company would remain the same. So, she would get an allowance to travel to India free with family at company expense, get a year-end bonus through stock options and get additional paid leaves (anticipating pregnancy she wanted reduced work hours). Manan was not to be told any of it and would be told about the package without the perks, and get to know the monthly take-home salary. That part took convincing for Astha to agree. She could get her employer to agree with some alibi of a reason. Astha reckoned that post-pregnancy she may get away from comparisons with Manan and possibly not join job in a while.

Astha just left for San Francisco, this week. I have moved out of formal association with her on the project. She wrote me a mail on her moving out saying she is determined to focus on her personal life. She says Manan seemed happy at the latest turn of events. Of course she went with the plan of not sharing the restructuring part of her pay offer.

When I called her last, she seemed bubbly in her spirits. She said she would let me know of the good news soon.

For My Pati Parmeshwar...how much is too much? Astha doesn’t ask. It’s a tribute to womanhood, for the unsung sacrifices they make, to make the world around them, a nice place.

(Names are changed in this post to protect identity)

Next: From childlessness to child abuse- an unusual story of Sheetal. But I need to figure out first if I can post a story for 18+ yr olds only. Else, it may be another story next week. Keep your feedback flowing and share thoughts and experiences around you.